


Neighbors

by loveatfirstsight



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, American Football, And Levi just wants to run his own hipster tea shop one day, Armin is a straight up nerd, Demisexual!Eren, Eren is 18 btw, Eren is a football player in Varsity, Eren is figuring out who he is, Levi trains Eren in football, Love Triangle, M/M, Mikasa is a dancer, Nsfw later on basically, Pining!Eren, Sexual Tension, Slice of Life, Slow Build, The rating will go to Explicit eventually, Very very very fucking slow build so if you read this get ready for the long haul, bisexual!Levi, bottom!eren in the future, clueless!Eren, collegestudent!Levi, eren's pov, highschoolsenior!Eren, theme would be childhood into adulthood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-04-07 06:16:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 43,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4252497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveatfirstsight/pseuds/loveatfirstsight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is the neighborhood legend, the football hero, the bad ass all the little kids would look up to and talk about during sleepovers. Even though everyone knows Of him, no one seems to Know him. Even Eren, who has lived across the street from him pretty much all of his life, still views Levi as an enigma. Eren has always been best friends with Levi's little sister Mikasa, who happens to be a senior in highschool just like Eren. Eren wants to get a scholarship for football just like Levi did, so Levi decides to train Eren after school. What Eren doesn't know is Mikasa's secret feelings for him, his own budding feelings for his role model, and that Levi has a lot of imperfections he's not going to reveal - not easily that is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Legend

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so happy to finally be writing this. I've been dying to write this story, to have a sort of "I'm not really a kid anymore, but not yet an adult, shit is getting scary and real" fic. Hope you enjoy this, I'm sure I'll have something better to say... eventually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"He's my childhood hero, he's the town legend. He was the one that stood up to Kitts Woerman, who was the meanest teacher in Shigashina Highschool, the teacher who wouldn't let kids get up until class was over no matter what. You couldn't sharpen your pencil or go to the bathroom, he said that you could take care of all that before class, to ' not waste his time.' Legend says that a girl peed herself at her desk she had to go to the bathroom so bad, Mr. Woerman refused to let her go to the bathroom beforehand. Levi, who was sitting next to the girl, stood up and glared directly at the teacher and apparentlysaid to him, 

' I'm going to make sure that the next person who pisses themselves is you Mr.Woerman.' And he went over to the girl, picked her up bridal style, and carried her all the way to the administration office and then to the nurse's room. By the time school ended and Levi had finished speaking to the Principal, so had Mr. Woerman's job as a teacher. Levi was only a freshman. 

He was also the greatest quarterback football player Shigashina ever had. He' s only 5'3 but 143 pounds of muscle and wicked fast on his feet. Shigashina's team The Hunters were beat by the neighbor highschool's team The Titans every year, but not when Levi was there. Some say he was as strong as the entire team altogether. He didn't even like football, but Coach Smith convinced him because he  needed the scholarship. Levi ended up getting a full ride into Trost University, one of the best schools in the country, and coincidentally only a 15 minute drive from here. 

I mean Christ, he was the one who would beat up the bullies who bullied the weak, the one who took Petra Ral to senior Prom. She was the captain of the soccer team and the nicest and prettiest girl at school. I remember she used to babysit me when I was younger, she'd always make chocolate chip cookies. She goes to Trost University too now. Anyways, Levi would ride a motorcycle to school, this sweet black ride that thundered everywhere it went. You always know when he's arriving or leaving. He wears this black leather jacket with overlapping wings on the back, never goes anywhere without it.

So, that's who Mikasa's older brother is, that's why I'm telling you to make a good first impression. I mean when we were kids we hung out more often, since I've always been here hanging out with  Mikasa, but now he's more busy with school and work so I don't see much of him now. He works at the tea store 'Sina' and he's majoring in business. Man, I have no idea what to do with my life and I'm already a senior. I've done nothing special except probably getting the most detentions at Shigashina without getting expelled. Yeah um, so don't be a dork in front of him okay?"

My bestfriend and also the guy that just transferred into our highschool a month ago, Armin Arlert, stares at me with wide blue doe eyes. He peeps,

"Crap."

I give his blonde long bowl-cut hair a gentle noogie and laugh, "Crap indeed."

We are standing outside the Ackerman household, Ackerman is Mikasa's and Levi's lastname, staring up the stone path up to the red door of their fancy white two-story house. They have the white picket fence and the pretty pale trees out front thing going on, classic home look. The only reason why they live so nice still is because of their crazy uncle Kenny, who visits once a month for a weekend then vanishes till the next month. Mikasa's dad owned a popular grocery store chain or had a lot of stock in a famous website or I don't know, something like that, so they've always had a lot  of cash. Their parents died because of a nasty home invasion that went completely sideways. I was the one who called the cops, I had walked across the street to Mikasa's like always and then heard screams.

 I looked up at Mikasa's window and saw her crying and mouthing the words "help me" over and over again. I had to climb up the birch tree in their front yard and sneak in through her window, there  was blood all over her pink dress, I remember that, and I helped her escape before the thieving murderous assholes found her. It was so surreal, all I knew was that I had to protect her from that scum, and I felt fearless.

Levi wasn't home that night, he was sleeping over at his friend Auruo's house and so I was the only one who could comfort her before the cops came. I took off my maroon scarf I'd been wearing, the winters can be really cold here, and awkwardly tied it around her neck. I was a dumb kid okay, I didn't know how to comfort someone after something so fucking horrible happened to them.

It's the only time I've ever seen her cry.

I knock on the door with Armin, trying not to think of memories that easily put me into 'rage mode', that's what my therapist and I call it when I lose control of my temper, and wait for Mikasa to open the door. The great red oak door creaks open and Mikasa stands there with a tiny grin, she's in yoga pants and a sports bra, with my scarf around her neck as always (even though it's summer time.)

"Hey. You're Armin right? I just made pasta. Want to watch a movie ? I haven't found anything to watch on Netflix yet. You can put your shoes on that mat over there. " She turns around, assuming we will follow her. After we pull our shoes off and set them on the mat, we walk to the right of the house into the kitchen. Her house has a grand staircase in the middle that leads up into the bedrooms,  then the right hallway leads into the kitchen, and the left hallway leads into the living room. The kitchen and living room are connected as one giant room with a skinny corridor between them. The kitchen has marble floors, countertops, kitchen island, and a steel sleek refrigerator. Fancy stuff.

"Wow your house is really nice, thanks for making pasta, it looks really good!" Armin bounces around the house, checking out the intricate vases and paintings around the home , then pausing at the two giant book cases in the living room against a wall. He pulls a book out like a kid holds their first Christmas present and begins to read at the speed of light. Armin and I met because he's my lab partner in Physics, he's the only reason why I don't have an F in the class. I'm more of a sports guy, I just can't sit down and stare at pages of paper when I could be outside doing something instead.

I smirk then pull myself up onto the kitchen island and watch Mikasa put red sauce into the pot of noodles. I pinch my "What are you looking at?" sassy white T-shirt and wiggle it forward and back to alleviate the warmth of a country side sunny day, feeling glad I chose to wear baggy air-flow-friendly green basketball shorts instead of crotch-cooking pants today. 

Mikasa brushes some of her jet black bangs behind an ear, all the Ackermans have black hair and eyes a deep enough blue that make most people think they're brown from a distance. She glances up at me and warns apathetically,

"You know Levi hates when you sit on the counters..."

It's true, but Levi doesn't usually come home until 5pm and its 4pm right now so I throw caution into the wind. I swing my legs idly and roll my eyes,

"He doesn't come home till 5p.m."

Mikasa is about to open her mouth when we both perk our heads up to the sounds of a growling engine that huffs to a halt and then the front door creaking to a shut. Oh fuck. I leap off the counter then slip like a giant jackass because of the lack of traction of my socks and the pristine marble floors . Which means I end up landing on my tailbone and shouting-

_ " SPAGHETTI-FUCK!"  
_

Mikasa abandons the pasta and bends down and pulls me up by my right hand, asking worriedly if I'm okay, but I just brush her off with a quick nod and look up to find Levi leaning against the refrigerator with a raised eyebrow. He gives me a serious ridiculing stare, one that makes my face sizzle like bacon, and then turns to Mikasa casually.

" Hey sis, make sure to wash the dishes and pot after, I don't want to find a dung-pile in the sink again."

God damnit, why can't I ever look cool in front of him. I lean against the kitchen island and take peeks at Levi, he slips off his famous leather-jacket and neatly folds it under his arm. He brushes his sharp black bangs behind his ear, then runs his fingers through his undercut, a sphere of sweat traveling down his neck like a pinball in a pinball machine. First it rolls down his throat , then swerves along the ridge of his collarbone into his sternum, then between his pecs underneath his black tank-top. How the hell do you get that much muscle on such a tiny frame anyhow ? I look down at myself self-consciously, I'm fit but can't seem to get rid of my lanky-tall-kid physique. 

It's my last year on the football team and I'm struggling to stay on varsity. Coach Smith says I'm too impulsive and have a bad tendency to make rookie mistakes because of that trait , I need to focus on technique rather than sheer confidence. 

Levi opens the refrigerator and grabs a water-bottle, gulping down half of it, he complains softly,

"I hate summer. It's always hotter than Satan's left testicle in this infernal town, especially in September. I'm going to go turn the air conditioner on before I drown in my own sweat." Levi tilts his head back to finish the rest of his drink when Armin walks in and exclaims,

"You have a movie projector? I only have a T.V. that looks like a cardboard box! And could your couch be any bigger? Anyways, I'm feeling like watching a romcom, lots of drama and crying, great stuff. I was thinking 'Closer'? It's on Netflix and everything. Oh!-" He notices Levi and literally hops up in surprise, then politely and nervously babbles, "My-name-is-Armin-nice-to-meet-you!" 

Levi nods, giving Armin an elevator-look, starting from his cherub face down to his baby-blue short-sleeve collared shirt, to his khaki shorts, to his nerdy math-socks that have different equations on them. He snorts so subtly it almost sounds like a sniff, then he replies,

"That movie's pretty good." Then he retreats upstairs to probably adjust the air-conditioning and shower, he has this cleanliness issue ever since he moved in with Mikasa. Technically they are cousins, but they are basically siblings so they refer to each other as such. Sometimes I even forget that Levi isn't her actual brother, but Levi has never talked about his own parents to anyone, so it still remains a mystery. He's like a secret super hero I swear to God.

 

* * *

 

 

Armin and I flop down on the big red leather couch, the one where 5 people can sit on no problem, and I rest my heels on the lengthy sleek black-wood lift-top table, waiting for Mikasa to bring our meals out as I leisurely scratch my belly under my T-shirt. I practically live here ever since my Mom passed away, my Dad is a surgeon so he never comes home, so I sleep over all the time. I don't like being alone.

Armin plays Candy Crush on his cellphone as we wait for the Ackermans to join us, the T.V. projector already has the movie ready to be played on the great wall in front of us. The remote rests on my chest, I watch it rise and fall with my breaths, my eyes start to feel heavy and get harder to open with each blink. Practice was really hard today, Coach Smith isn't afraid to make us exercise till we literally vomit so I'm happy to finally be able to kick-back and relax.

I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep until my head was being clacked by the remote that had previously been innocently laying on my chest. I yelp and rub my scalp in pain, staring and wincing at the source of my pain walking over to sit beside me. 

"If you want me to bruise your legs put your feet down for piss-sakes, fucking disgusting. Now I have to get wipes to clean your sock-juice off the table." Levi certainly doesn't try to hide the sneer on his face, he hurries to the kitchen and back, wiping the table effectively. He brings a stack of napkins with him as well, taking a seat besides me. 

"M'sorry Levi..." I yawn and sit up, watching Mikasa walk in with two bowls of spaghetti in each hand, she sets the two down then returns with another two, cutlery included. Armin clicks the movie to play and we all get started on the tasty messy food in front of us. Damien Rice starts to sing to the beginning of the movie, our forks begin to clink against our porcelain containers, and we all hum under our breath at how delicious the food is.

"This 'spaghetti fuck' isn't bad Mikasa." Levi mutters nonchalantly at my expense, dabbing at his lips with a napkin every now and then. I glance over at Levi and pout, untangling my eternally unkempt bangs on my forehead with my right hand in a failing  attempt to cover my embarrassment. 

When we finish eating its about halfway through the movie, Mikasa grabs the plates and then sits back down next to me. Armin is on the far left, Mikasa is on my left, and Levi is on my right. Mikasa rests her head on my shoulder, she must be tired from ballet, she's studying to be a prima ballerina one day. She's pretty masculine in personality and in looks but when she dances, it's really weird, she looks like a swan and girly n' stuff. She just sent her application to Julliard for chrissakes. 

As the movie goes on Mikasa asks me about my day in thoughtful whispers,

"How did practice go?"

I sigh through the nose and scratch at my head, pursing my lips in frustration.

"Coach Smith was riding my ass all day. Damnit, I just wish I could do things right. I arrive the earliest and leave the latest, I try harder than anyone there, and I still feel like I'm barely hanging onto Varsity. He says that if I thought my actions through more carefully, I could have the potential to be quarterback. Jean still calls me suicidal bastard for always trying to catch the ball no matter how hopeless it is. But I can't help it, those lazy asses don't even have the guts to try." I grit my teeth, the film in front of me starting to blur as my anger starts to haze into all my senses.

"Hey Eren -" Mikasa tries to soothe me but Levi interrupts her,

"There's a difference between trying for the team and then trying for yourself." Levi looks at me from the corner of his eye, his thin eyebrows pinched in annoyance. Mikasa puts her hand over a fist I didn't even know I was making, but then I shrug her head off my shoulder and sit up, I can't let Levi think that I'm some selfish idiot that is only in it for myself. Staring him straight in the eyes, I make sure my eyes don't waver to show my conviction.  

"I've saved our quarterback Reiner from being tackled many times, and if there are linebackers who need help I join them in defending immediately. I always try to do what I think is best, always!" Mikasa rubs my shoulder to try calming me down, which consequently makes me almost angrier. Levi pauses the movie and then turns completely in his seat to stare me down, his slant eyes are intimidating and powerful and sure of themselves like a wolf's or wild cat's. My big green eyes can't help but give in and waver as I gaze into them. I hate myself for feeling like prey.

"You can't just act on impulses and hope for the best because of a single moment. You need to think more ahead, to not flick at the domino but see where the dominoes will fall. Or else it will all fall to shit, and that's on you." I feel Mikasa glaring at Levi behind me, she hates when Levi is this blunt with me. I prefer the honesty though, you can't change your faults if you don't know what they are. I nod slowly, tranquility and reason starting to flow back into my brain.

"Maybe I'll train you. Give ol ' Blondie a call. I'm sure Smith will say yes, he knows I was never easy on myself, let alone others." Levi's eyes go dull as he sinks back into recollection, meanwhile determination and excitement surges through me like lightning. A wide grin from ear to ear grows on my cheeks, I'll show Levi just how dedicated I am to winning. I'll defeat all the Titans, I'll fucking kill them. I can't wait until I get to train with my childhood hero, I can't believe this is freaking happening.

"Eren...?" A hint of fear on Armin's face at my devilish  enthusiasm to crush my future opponents. I don't mind his cautious curiousity, instead I begin to pump myself up and begin to think of ways I can impress Levi.

I then hear my familiar rock n' roll ringtone that came with my dinosaur flip-phone's list of musical options begin to play in the kitchen. (I used to have smart-phones but I have a problem with throwing my phone at walls and slam dunking them into the ground when I'm angry so...) I get up and hurry over to the counter by the sink in the other room, and my over- palpitating heart  begins to flutter to a sad normal beat as I see my father's name on the screen. I call to the others over my shoulder with a very deflated tone,

 

"Dad's home."

 

* * *

 

Dad and I have never really known how to talk to each other. He finds safety in reason and formulas made out of a fabric of numbers and logic. Whereas I enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want uncaged by rules, to fight and change what is expected of me. I think I scare him. He's nice though, he asks me the standard questions in the parent playbook:

 "How was your day? How is school? Did you do your home work?" As he waits on his microwavable bowl of chicken and rice. I just stand awkwardly and tap my foot to a random rhythm on the white linoleum kitchen floor, going through his questions with easy answers.

"Good. Practice was fun today, Coach is still giving me a hard time but its okay. I'll start homework right now."

Dad nods as he clearly thinks of something else, probably about the patients he saw today or making a new medical breakthrough. He's so damn smart, I guess that intelligence gene decided to skip me or something. Now I try to come up with something to ask him, I lamely recycle one of his usuals:

"Was your day good?" I swish my lips to the right and left of my face uncomfortably, Dad smiles at me with tired grey eyes as he removes his steaming plate from the microwave. He pulls his shoulder length hair into a ponytail, taking his glasses off and placing them in his shirt pocket. Then he sets his plate down on the living room round table,rubbing his nose bridge with a pinched index finger and thumb as he replies.  


"There were a lot of patients today, I found some interesting cases so I was happy about that. I'm just looking forward to watching some online lectures and getting some sleep. It's getting late Eren, I don't want you procrastinating on your homework, okay?" And with the cherry-on-top nag, I make a grunt of acceptance and run up our old wooden spiral staircase to my room on the left. 

Our house is a nice size but very old, what some house-seller would call "antique." All of our decorations are dusty and sort of tattered, mom liked to do renovations and decorating, cleaning in general, that was her thing. She's gone now though. It hurts if I think about her for too long.

I let myself fall into bed face first into my bed, my pillow cases are still rocket-ships because I can't make myself get rid of any memory my mom left in this place. She bought me those in some store, back then I was 100% sure I was going to be an astronaut. She'd laugh at that and ruffle my hair, saying 'I could do whatever I wanted to do, as long as I tried my best.' My dad is the same way when it comes to mom, so we live in a physical past , though ironically we never speak of it. It's painful enough seeing his eyes getting watery sometimes when he sees her portrait in the big gold frame in the livingroom. I don't want to see him actually cry, so I don't bring her up in conversations or when old memories drift into my mind every now and then.  


I don't know why I didn't tell him about Levi training me. God knows how much I would rant to him and mom about how cool the 'big kid' from across the street was, but now he just seems so unreachable. 

I dryly chuckle as I turn onto my back and look at the old glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, grumbling outloud,

"I'm such a damn teenager."

Then I do my evening tradition of nudging my curtain to the side and looking at Mikasa's house from the window pane. I watch Armin walking back home with his messenger bag swinging, he seems to be talking on the phone , probably talking to his grandpa. I see Mikasa in her room practicing her pirouettes in front of her body-length mirror, she does that about 50 times before stretching and doing other dance exercises before going to bed. 

Then I finally look over at Levi's bedroom, he always wears this white flowy shirt when he's by himself there. I think it's a girls shirt but I don't know, he wears black boxers though and sits on his bed with a cup of tea. He watches some T.V. as he simultaneously works on college -work on his laptop I think, which reminds me, I need to finish my own. I sit at my desk that faces the window, so I work on my English essay about that "1984" George Orwell book that Armin told me about at lunch, and also keep an eye on Levi. I'm waiting for midnight for his 'goodnight' ritual.

It's midnight and he gets himself settled in bed, and pulls a photograph from under his white pillow, stares at it for what feels like forever, and then falls asleep with it on his chest. I've never known what the photograph is, because I've never had the guts to sneak into his room. Since we were little kids Levi has had a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging on his bedroom door. Black background with scary red text, I've seen Levi get angry over spilt milk, and that was enough to make me want to get on my knees and ask for forgiveness. Sneaking into his room would be guaranteed homicide on his end. 

 

As his lights go off and I can no longer see into his room, I look back at my essay, wondering if it would be so bad if I just let my forehead rest on the sheet of paper. Man, practice was so brutal today... If I just let myself sleep for an hour maybe... that'd be okay...

 


	2. Kawasaki Ninja 250

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still some more introduction, I really wanted to give the story its own world and scenery. I hope you enjoy moving into this world, I'm hoping its gonna be a nice world for you all (and for me) to live in for a while.
> 
> Sorry its a bit short, but with my new coffee barista job I've been busy. I just wanted to give you guys something to chew on while you wait for the main course haha~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I  rest my elbowon my desk and lean on my palm and look out the window in class, a clear case of restless legs syndrome as my knees bob up and down on the ugly puce rug. Mr. Pixis is this crazy old bald dude who teaches History and loves to pet his grey cop-stache every two seconds. He squints really hard or maybe his eyes are all droopy from being 500 years old and all, but you can never really tell if he's looking at you. Plus, Armin speculates  that what he's drinking in his #1-teacher-mug definitely isn't coffee. Also, he prefers this sort of Yoda-star-wars method of teaching, all philosophical and shit. Armin loves him and as for me - I don't understand a freaking word he's saying.

"Sometimes we have to look to the past to understand our present." Shit like that. Not that I don't like him or somethin', I just can't pay attention to things that aren't relevant to me now. Boston Tea Party? Who cares about a bunch of assholes dumping tea into the Harbor? I sure as hell don't. Anyways, I can see the football field from here, and I can't stop dreaming about what Coach Smith might say to me.

Am I really gonna be getting special training from The Levi Ackerman? My eyes widen and I start to smile crazily as I imagine learning a bunch of new techniques to tear into my opponents with, feeling their bodies skid underneath me and the ripe smell of ripped grass -

" Eren Jaeger, could you please read the next paragraph for the class?"

My face twitches towards my name , my breath punched to the back of my throat as I realize the horror of my situation. I lick my sand-paper lips and gulp, looking up at Mr.Pixis, his eyes twinkling with the sadistic joy of a teacher who has caught a drifting student off guard. 

"Um." My eyes dart down at my book, the words start to look blurry and like random black squiggles, the panic sets in and I start to scan my fellow classmates for some guidance. I hear a snort besides me, the class-ass Jean mutters under his foul breath,

"It's page 341 paragraph 2 space cadet." Before I scramble to read the correct paragraph, I cast a death-glare at my nemesis and unfortunate football-teammate , mouthing the words "Fuck you." In a very obvious way. 

After I finish reading I take deep breaths through my nose and exhale from my mouth, closing my eyes as I hear the angelic voice of Historia Reiss. She's this little blonde chick with dolly blue eyes, she's running for Prom Queen, and every guy on the damn team loves to talk about how hot she is. Personally, I think she's nice and cute and all, but she kind of creeps me out. She's a little too perfect, and sometimes she gets this really blank look in her eyes when she's by herself.

Her voice is pleasantly soft though, and I pay attention to her reading out loudinstead of flying out of my seat and taking Jean down like a flying squirrel. God I can't wait to do that afterschool in practice. I'll make that douche bag chew on dirt, hell yeah.

 

 

* * *

 

At lunch time Armin takes Mikasa and I off campus for lunch in his shoddy green Volkswagen. With the way it sounds like a gnome is groaning in his dashboard, I'm pretty sure driving this car is an explosion just waiting to happen, but we get in and head to Subway regardless. Teenagers can't be choosers. Especially when Armin gets hand me downs from his grandpa with the suspenders he's sporting today. He still hasn't told me about what happened to his parents, but I haven't told him about my mother, so I guess we are even. Armin, Mikasa, and I are all a perfect  damaged trio of friends, we know what true despair feels like, not many kids can understand that in these bratty high-end suburbs.

It's weird how you want to talk about the people you've lost, to tell every worn-out memory you have left of them, but when the opportunity arises you remember bringing them back to life in words means bringing the smothered pain back to life. It's almost better keeping them at peace, buried in your mind. Well, at least that's how I feel.

We all get our own variation of a 5 dollar footlong sub-sandwich and start driving to our next destination. Every Monday at lunch I have a 15 minute therapy session at Keith Shadis' office. He gives me  these quick sessions for free since he's a close friend of my dad's, they went to med school together. Psychiatrists usually just give meds and do checkups but Shadis acts as my therapist since I get special treatment. He has this permanent "I accidentally set my house on fire" look in his eyes, with cavernous eyelids that sink to the back of his skull. He's a really intense guy, no bullshit, it's probably why I always tell him what's on my mind. I respect him, and hey maybe he sort of freaks me out too, but he knows how to get my thoughts straightened out.

He lets me eat on his frumpy brown velvet couch, I use the Kleenex on the arm rest as a napkin as he settles into his big fancy desk-chair and places a notebook on his lap. Damn I love a good meaty sandwich, today I picked turkey with about every topping I could think of.Gotta build my muscles up for football so meat and protein have to be a constant in my diet. Shadis accidentally glares at me as usual, I wonder if he knows how constantly terrifying he looks, and he uncaps his blue fountain pen to begin our session. He always wears some plain collared shirt and pleated pants , he crosses his leg and his right foot perches on his left knee, sporting some sophisticated shoes you can shine. He commands crisply,

"So tell me about how your day has been and how you want it to end?"

I take a bite out of my sandwich and chew, the munching gives me time to think about what I want to say. I stare at my knees, my jeans worn out and light blue compared to the rest of the navy denim. I swallow and lick some mustard off my lips lizard-like. 

"I didn't get much sleep so I ended up falling asleep in Mr. Dawks class again. I just hate math so much, why the fuck do I need to know about tangents and sines? Mr. Dawk thinks I'm stupid anyways, it pisses me off, he always walks around class and eventually ends up standing at my desk. Everyone finishes so quickly, I don't get it, and I'm still on the first problem. And he'll say the worst fucking-"

"Language." Shadis interrupts with a flash of lightning in his eyes, I take another bite and mumble with a mouthful,

"Sorry." I finish up the rest of my sandwich then wipe my hands off with another swipe of Kleenex, smearing sandwich-leftovers off my lips, Shadis allows most foul language except for 'fuck' or any other infamous cuss-word. I continue my rant. "He says the worst - things - like, 'having trouble?' or 'I'd appreciate if you took notes instead of sleeping.' It's not like I can help sucking at math, I don't know, I can tell kids are looking over at me like I'm some air-head and I get so angry. It makes me doubt myself, whether or not I'm intelligent, that maybe there's something wrong with me because everyone else seems to understand all of those numbers and variables so easily. It's like I'm being forced to write in a language I don't even know and everyone knows it but me. Not to mention Mr. Pixis called on me in History and I was totally zoning out. I just can't wait to let go in practice and burn all of this negative energy that's been collecting in my chest." 

I let out a huge sigh after I stream-of-consciousness puke all over my Psychiatrist. It feels good to finally say how frustrated and weak I feel, I'm the kind of guy that isn't afraid to speak up my beliefs and stand my ground, the thought of people knowing that I'm not always strong scares me. The world is full of vultures, none of them will prey on the powerful, but they'll circle around anything that limps with a weakness. 

"You should know that practice is important, that you may not be born with the talent of mathematical excellence, but if you work hard you can achieve a passing letter grade in whichever class you struggle in. You're a fighter, you are still on varsity football even though you are struggling, and that is no coincidence. Continue to push yourself in what you are worst at, don't just polish the skills you are already good at, work on the things you hate most. Having a good night's sleep is crucial to having a fresh mind and body to work with, stop abusing yourself with a meager amount of rest. Now, you haven't answered the second part of my question."

Shadis always cuts straight through my troubles, he gives me concrete goals and ambition to prove myself. I nod my head once and look him straight in the eye, vowing that I won't let myself fail in anything I want to achieve. Then a sense of jubilation rushes through my hot blood like a dive in a pool, I stand up and tightly grip the bottom of my plain green tanktop.

"I get to train with Levi Ackerman today! I'm not sure what's going to happen but Coach Smith will tell me after school at practice!"  Shadis is used to my outbursts so he usually just writes down any of my updates in his notebook , I'm a passionate guy so sometimes I can’t help but sort of yell out everything. But when I say Levi Ackerman, he raises his eyebrows at me and asks,

"He's the boy who made it into Trost with the football scholarship right? The friend you are always trying to impress, yes?" Nodding so much that I practically become a bobble-head-toy I agree with him whole heartedly, feeling a fire of tenacity burning throughout my body.

I spend the rest of our appointment bragging about what a cool trainer I'm going to be working with, how Levi was so fast his team-mates said if you'd blink he'd disappear. When I walk back into the waiting room I find Armin reading some medical magazine with his reading glasses on and Mikasa furiously trying to fix a misbehaving bra-strap. She's wearing some white spaghetti- strap tank-top  and a long flowy black skirt, today Armin wears socks with little yellow ducks on them.

Once they notice I'm waiting on them they hurry up and we all sort of scramble to the car. If we are lucky we won't be late coming back to class, damnit I forgot to pee back at Shadis' office. He has this nice bathroom that smells like roses or something, which is a lot better than the public boy's restroom back at school that smells like a century old egg that finally cracked open, farted, and died.

 

God I can't wait for school to be over today.

 

* * *

 

I grind my teeth into my mouthguard and feel the tinge of pain bubble at my lip, I think I taste blood but I can't be sure. Sweat drips down from my helmet matted brown hair to my sun reddened neck, I'm one of the two tacklers and we are practicing offense against our own defense. Jean happens to be one of our 2 guards, Marco is the other guard and Connie is my partner as a tackler. 

Jean has this permanent smirk on his equine face, light brown hair with a dark shit-brown undercut, and eyes the color of deep yellow piss. But even though he's taller than me, I successfully pummel him into the ground as he wiggles like a bug on his back hollering his complaints. I snort out like a bull, sneer prominent on my face, and relish the satisfaction of successfully taking down an opponent. Especially a baboonish turd- opponent like Jean.

Mr. Smith whistles at us, even in his late 30's our couch is a big block of muscle with well kept golden gelled-back hair, he looms over at us and he doesn't have to say anything for me to step off Jean. He crosses his hands behind his back, very military officer like, and gives me his assessment. 

"Although you achieved to take down a guard Eren, you were sloppy and over aggressive. Once you had Jean down you should have shifted your attention in helping your fellow tackler Connie to take down Marco. Join me for a minute." If I had a tail it'd be in-between my legs, I sigh and pull off my helmet, relishing the feeling of fresh air on my head.

It's just so easy to take out all of my pent up rage all at once, especially at such an easy target like Jean. But with Marco not so much, I mean he has these big Bambi doe eyes and kiddy freckles, he's so nice and earnest it's hard to push him down without feeling a little guilty afterwards. But I know Connie needs help, he's sort of the runt in the litter, short guy with a shaved head and a jokester in general. Which means he has trouble with focus, but a knack for seeing 'the big picture', which together makes us a good pair of tacklers side by side. Focus is definitely not my problem, I pretty much live and breathe football. 

I sit down on a bench with Coach , we both look out at the field at all the guys doing shuttle runs and agility drills in the skin baking heat of September. I take my mouth guard out and place it on my thigh, waiting for Mr. Smith to speak. 

"Levi called me yesterday requesting that I entrust half of your daily practice to him. He wants to be around to keep that temper of yours in check, I was surprised he wanted to be in charge of you. He was my most talented quarterback to date, he's ruthless and has trouble with teamwork, but I believe if you train under him you will get a scholarship with Trost or any other formidable university easily. You have what it takes Eren, I think Levi sees that as well as I do, but I believe he'll be able to channel your demons into a much more positive outcome. Are you up for it?" Erwin turns to look at me when he asks his question, eyes as bright and blue as the sky scorching over us, filled with expectation. I feel my eyes contort wide with feverish excitement, my jaw trembling with exhilaration, I confirm with a loud and proud,

"Yes sir!"

Then I hear the growling of a motorcycles'  engine coming towards us in the football field's parking lot. My heart stutters and everyone at practice stops whatever they are doing to turn towards the metallic purring, murmuring of gossip starts to rise as everyone notices the figure stepping off his jet-black Kawasaki Ninja 250. As he steps off his motorcycle we all get a flash of the glorious wings on the back of his leather jacket. His combat boots thud on the pavement, and when he takes off his helmet it almost seems to be in slow motion the way his sharp black bangs fall perfectly into place like the long strum of a harp's strings. Damn, how the heck do you get that cool? Do you drink a lot of milk? Eat a lot of peanut butter? Well, Levi is a big fan of tea. Maybe that's it.

Erwin grins, putting a hand on my shoulder he guides me,

"Looks like your ride is here. Tell Levi I said hello. " Erwin then stands up and strides towards the distracted team, and I scramble to stuff my mouth guard and gear into my gym bag with adrenaline thumping through my arms and chest and brain and fuck, just everywhere. The closer I get to Levi, the more surreal it all seems, with his dark wolf eyes and pale as hell skin, I almost understand why girls go crazy over all that sparkly vampire shit. When I'm in front of him I hold my breath, running my top teeth over my bottom lip, coughing up a nervous raspy,

"Hey Levi! Oh uh Coach says 'hello' too..." I take a quick look behind me and notice the whole team is watching us, I must be the envy of all my teammates, anyone who goes into football at Shingashina knows about the Levi Ackerman. We all hope to follow after his footsteps. I feel grateful that I grew up living across the street with him, lucky to be the only guy chosen to train under such a role model. 

Levi glances over at Coach Smith, Smith raises a hand from a distance to make his greeting, Levi just stares , nodding slightly, and then returns his attention back at me. His naturally sullen face deepening into a visible disgust,

"Ugh, you look like a jockstrap that hasn't seen the light of day for a month. Try not to drench the back of my jacket in your pool of sweat, ok? Hurry up." He steps onto his bike again, slipping his helmet back on, his leather gloves curled around the handlebars. Awkwardly, I hop on behind him, securing my gym bag around my arms like a backpack, sort of loosely circle my arms around his thin waist, staring at the beautiful stitching of the wings on his back. I don't want to spoil this moment, I feel like the Robin to his Batman, the plain bread to his wondrous Nutella, the Pluto to his Galaxy, yeah, that sort of deal. Shut up Eren.

"Do you want to eat shit and die? You need to hold onto me tighter than that, you know what, put your helmet on too." But didn't he just say? Okay then? I pull out my helmet and secure it back onto my oily scalp, fumbling to adjust it tighter to make sure it doesn't fly off, and then start to wrap myself around the steel pole that is Levi. God I bet he can do like 10000 push ups. With one hand.

 I press my guarded head against him, huh, he smells like lemons. Levi Ackerman smells like lemons. In fact, I don't think I've ever been this close to him in my life, he's not exactly a hugging koala sort of guy. His engines starts to storm up again, the sound thrilling and terrifying at the same time, and I start to feel like I'm in a chick-flick. Maybe this is like a bro-flick. Jesus Christ Eren. Calm down.

 

 

It's my first day of training with Levi Ackerman.

 

 

 


	3. I'm Not Really Sure Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry with the delay, I'm just a busy guy but I always try to push a chapter out at least once a month... orz  
> I love these dorks though so I'm definitely gonna keep these chapters coming. They finally train today~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought I might be scared on the two wheels that soared over the asphalt, that cut through traffic like a good knife. I've been watching from afar , all of these years, ever since Mikasa and I were packing for sixth-grade-camp in the living room besides the front yard window. We saw Levi first burn the air with exhaust on their driveway, and since the day he brought it home I've wanted to know what it felt like to let go of fear and pierce through a freeway like a human bullet.

This is how it feels like to be Levi Ackerman. To live every day accepting death, was to truly accept living. Or so it felt, and I felt, I felt everything. The window whipped at every stretch of my body, I had to keep my eyes at a squint because they were drying up at the speed we were going, and the scenery smeared past me like watercolor. I started laughing, I can't really explain why, well maybe, it's like when you feel like real life finally beats the movies. Then reality becomes the movie itself. Similar to those dreams when you are invincible and can fly wherever you want or something like that, when true freedom is something you can graze with the ends of your finger tips. I don't know.

When we finally slow to a growling hum and park in the Ackerman driveway, I step off and unplug my helmet from my head, yelling and waving my free hand around enough to make an Italian proud.

"That was amazing! We were going so damn fast I think we might be in a different dimension! Maybe everyone has feet for hands and legs for arms now or nevermind, god that was insane." The whole time I'm talking Levi just keeps walking, I have to follow him to the door to continue raving, he already has his helmet at his hip when he stops with the key sitting in the lock. He just takes a moment to watch me pant as I'm out of breath and high off adrenaline, then he commands,

"We need to get you changed and throw your jersey into the washer. Has that rag been washed since you first got it? I doubt it, considering it smells like a pile of roadkill  with elephant shit sprinkled on top." Then he unlocks the door and starts heading up the flight of stairs, I hurry to close and lock the door before bashfully chasing after him. Iwonder how the hell someone so short can walk so rapidly.

I smell my armpits on the sly in shame, I mean there is onion-y B.O. but its not that bad... I mean, Reiner's pits could burn your nostril hairs they reek so bad, I'm nothing compared to our stinky quarterback. 

"Welcome home bro, hey Eren, do you guys want turkey sandwiches? I just finished making myself one so it wouldn't take much time." Mikasa calls out at us, I'm sure she's in her leotard with her bangs clipped up, she usually takes a dinner break around this time after dancing. I answer for Levi and myself, the hollowness of my stomach suddenly very apparent as the hunger for Mikasa's brilliant cooking sets in.

"Thanks Mikasa!" I casually holler, as casually as one can holler I guess, then notice Levi is already in his room. With the door open. The door is open. I step at the threshold of the hallway and his bedroom, feeling uncomfortable and 100% hesitant to break through this self-made barrier of Levi's space. He sits on his bed slipping off his combat boots as I wait , revealing purple socks as he carefully places his boots into a neat line of shoes by the closet. 

Levi's room is impeccable. Seeing it this close is a surreal experience, I'm so used to seeing this room far away from the seclusion of my own room that the details seem to  scream out at me. It's an organized mess, which sounds like an oxymoron but it's the truth. There are so many knick-nacks, random clothing artifacts, awards, on his desk and in his closet and on his night stand (etc.), that you can't really take in the whole room without feeling like a camera that's flashing 'Out of memory. '

My foot takes a step where no man has stepped before, the moon of Levi's space, my other foot takes another step, and I close the door slightly behind me. I feel anxious as hell, this is the first time Levi has invited me into his world, I was always too much of a snot nosed brat before this for him to pay any real attention to me. No more baby sitting , maybe we could actually be friends now. 

This feeling is strange, usually I don't really care what people think about me. But I care this time, I want to impress, I want to be liked, I want to be his friend. I don't know why this is, it's just a feeling or an instinct,and it's scary because I feel like the smallest bad joke or accidentally ass comment could ruin the possible promising future interaction. The child inside of me vulnerably searching from acceptance from the big brother that was never mine.

Levi hangs up his leather jacket and raises his arms above him into a stretch in a plain black tanktop, then starts to fish through his closet as I wander over to his desk to  investigate inside his dark blue walls. He has his lap top neatly in the front middle, a stack of notebooks to the front right, a cup of pens & pencils to the front left, a big bottle of green sanitizer sitting on top of a pack of cleaning wipes on the back left, three framed photographs in the back middle, and a small printer on the back right. 

The first photograph is Levi in his green graduation gown, Coach Erwin has this big proud smile to the camera and an arm around Levi, a big thumbs up as Levi holds his  highschool diploma. Levi isn't smiling, but to my surprise he's not wearing his usual grimace, his face looks light, his eyes are open and soft, I bring the photo closer to my face and stare at Coach's arm around Levi. I feel a little jealous, I would love to be a prized pupil like that, at best I'm some lame diamond in the rough. 

I sigh and place it down, picking up the second frame of Levi with two grinning girls, I recognize them. Petra Ral and Hanji Zoe to his left and right, Hanji has a peace sign with her usual splotches of paint on her face and big dorky glasses, Petra with a tentative hand clutching Levi's striped sleeve looking beautiful as ever. Hanji has been friends with Levi for as long as I can remember, it was an unlikely friendship, the star quarterback and the art geek who has a fascination with sculpting creepy monsters and fawning over them like her own children. What wasn't unlikely was the relationship between Levi and Petra, she was the soccer captain and the prom queen to his prom king, she has short pretty red hair and honey eyes, and she's really the nicest girl, honestly. I don't know why they broke up, only that I know that it was Levi who left Petra. As to why or how is beyond me. I got spoiled by her a lot when she'd babysit and grew really fond of her. 

The last photo is crazy Uncle Kenny in between Levi and Mikasa, he wears this giant black trench coat with a loose tie and white collar underneath, a devilish grin on his cigarette wrinkled lips, and this Frank Sinatra black hat that on, the rare occasion that I've seen him, he never takes off his head. The occasion  is Mikasa's birthday and Mikasa has a nose covered in chocolate cake, Uncle Kenny was the kind of guy who'd swoop a wad of frosting with a swift thumb and glob it on the birthday kid's nose. Good ol' crazy Uncle Kenny is laughing his head off in the photo while Levi glares at him, Mikasa doesn't smile but looks surprised as she stares up at Kenny. 

Setting it back, I walk over to the window, looking over at mine across the street. So this is how it's like to be on the other side, I'm surprised that my room isn't that visible from here, there's a slight glare from the sun reflecting off of my window. I decide to just sit down on the leather roll-y desk-chair, I have a strong urge to spin around in circles but I try to look calm and cool. My nervous knee giving away my distress as it bobs up and down, before I can blink my face is assaulted by a soft bundle of clothes that flop into my lap. I jerk back and then look down, some gym shorts and a white tanktop. Levi states with his back towards me,

"Those should fit you." 

I try to return my gratitude but my words begin to fail me as I realize Levi has turned around and is stripping in front of me,

"Thank you uh - uh what? What are you-?" I babble as I watch Levi fold his black tank top against his pale washboard abs and plop it into his laundry hamper. How the fuck do you even get abs that defined? Trying my best not to stare, I dart my attention to his impossibly wrinkle-less periwinkle bed, a sunburn of shame heating my face.

From the corner of my eye I notice Levi's taut stomach getting covered by a brand new navy blue tank-top, so I think it's safe to return my gaze. Levi snorts, not smiling but entertained by my uneasiness. He replies dryly,

"Surely you are used to changing in locker rooms. Hurry up and get changed, you should know that it gets shit-freezing cold once the sun goes down." Of course I'm used to it,  what was I thinking? I mean, bean-stalk Bertholdt always walks around with a white towel around his bony waist since he always takes a lot of showers on account to the waterfall amount of sweat he produces, but I don't even bat an eyelash at that. But now, alone in this foreign territory, while Levi begins to unbuckle his black studded belt and unbutton his jeans, I start squirming in my seat and stare at my scratched up white sneakers. Feeling unbearably stupid, I start nodding like mad and agreeing profusely, swallowing my nerves with a gulp.

"Mhm, yep, haha you're right -" I glance over at him and catch himturning around to drop his folded jeans into his hamper and sweet jumping tits did I just see his little bubble butt in polka dot boxer-briefs? I couldn't help but view his disturbingly sculpted back with lower-back dimples to boot. I did not just use the word bubble-butt to describe  Levi Ackerman's ass. What the fuck is wrong with me?

This hero worship is getting out of hand, seriously now Eren. Okay, just think of your Math quiz tomorrow and get changed for chrissakes. Stop being so weird and star struck you freak , how do you find the volume of a cube? Multiply the length times width times height, nice, okay, good job Eren.

I stand up and look out the window, sliding my damp jersey off and letting it plop on the floor, I look down at my lesser abs in dismay. Maybe I can start doing 200 crunches every night or something... I slide Levi's tanktop over me, completely ignoring the waft of lemon scented detergent(?) that rushes into my nostrils when I pull it over my face, and put on the shorts as soon as possible. When I finish I nearly yelp when I see Levi a half an inch close to me bending over in his new outfit, he mutters in distaste.

"Tch, put them in the hamper instead of just taking a dump all over my floor. Now come on, we've got a lot to learn today, you know, besides basic proper etiquette." I say goodbye to Levi's room and hastily follow the tiny tyrant downstairs to the kitchen. Mikasa tops off a sandwich with some whole-wheat bread and lazily points at the two dishes she made for us, she then walks up to me and asks,

"Just let me know if my midget brother is too hard on you, okay? " She shoots a slate eyed glare at Levi, who takes no offense or even remotely cares at the comment. He blinks twice and then starts to clean his cuticles with a thumbnail to pass the time. I on the other hand get extremely anxious and defend him,

"No no, I need to be pushed it's totally fine, I really can't wait to be pushed past my limits." Mikasa's scowl at her older but shorter brother subsides and she lets out a huge sigh.  She always does this when it comes to my idolization of her older brother. Like when we were little and I'd always gawk at him after a football game, he'd always have wet hair and skin from taking a shower in the locker rooms immediately after. I'd talk about the touchdown he made and how he practically dodged every member on the opponent's team, Mikasa would just fiddle with her scarf and sigh. She'd rather be buying me kettle-corn and laying down on the field when everyone was gone, just staring at the stars.

"Oh and um..."

I tilt my head to the side, waiting for her impending question. She smacks her lips and then says softly, "We should hang out afterwards and watch something on Netflix."  Mikasa picks at her non-existent split ends, avoiding eye contact with me. 

 The way she states the suggestion sounds more like a command, but she's just trying her best to communicate that she misses me. She really does her best not to come off too harsh at times, her brother and her are alike in the way that they are naturally hair-raisingly intimidating. Mikasa calls it 'resting bitch-face syndrome', which never fails to make Armin giggle like the dork he is. I smile and agree with a thumbs-up.

"Of course Mikasa. Maybe we could watch some ridiculously bad action movie where there are like 5 sentences in the whole script." She raises her eyes to me, giving me a grin. Levi leans against the sliding glass door that leads to the backyard with his arms crossed, I can already feel my adrenaline starting to pump into me like a bad habit. 

When Levi slides the door open a new hunger awakens, I'm about to follow him outside until Mikasa grabs me by the shoulder and shouts over at Levi from inside,

 

"You guys better eat first, I don't want you guys practicing with empty stomachs." There's no point in arguing with her when it comes to taking care of yourself, she's definitely a mama bear type. So I grab the sandwich off the plate and start gulping it down, not wanting to waste another moment.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 The Ackerman garden is framed by red brick walls, with frenchlace roses running along the sides of them. They have a little garden of herbs and what not in the back, but for the most part its just a big flat plot of grassy land. It's well taken care of too, no brown bald spots tarnishing its verdant splendor, the roses stretch out up along the bricks in bloom but wilting slightly because of the ravaging heat. 

"Sloppy. I'd be surprised if you could even take down an old geezer, nevermind a hulking house of a steroids-stud. Bend your shoulders back more, bend your knees too for fucksakes or else the first breeze of wind will knock you down first." Levi jabs at my back, then taps the back of my knees with the toe of his right sneaker. I try to maintain perfect form, my brows creased and my teeth grinding in concentration as Levi circles me.

"Ass out like a duck." Levi smacks my lower back with a fanned out hand, which nearly shatters my focus as my eyes bulge out and I squeak in surprise.

"Yes sir!" Then I follow his order with my forearm steady on my right knee and my left hand resting on the blades of grass below.

"You want your back at a perfect 45 degree angle." I can feel the sun toasting my neck, My knees start to get sore I'm in this position so long, until finally Levi grunts in approval and I wait for further instruction. Levi has a football in his hands as he directs me.

"Let's see your shuffle. Ten steps left then right until I tell you to stop." Staying in proper posture, I begin to work my legs furiously to the left and then to the right, Levi shakes his head in dissatisfaction, his thin eyebrows pinched. He barks sternly,

" What are you doing? Small quick steps, buzz your feet don't just stomp around like a dumbass." Sweat begins to pour over me, the tanktop I changed into already soiled in spots of perspiration. Everything burns, but the burning fuels me, excites me, the expression 'no pain no gain' lights up in my mind. I follow Levi's advice and soon I swear my legs turn into mini helicopter fans I shuffle so efficiently. Levi clears his throat and simply states,

"That's enough. We will have to work on that. Now... Let's see if you can tackle." Levi hunches over with his right foot out, his eyes deadening into snake like severity, fingers digging into the ball. I gulp the dried up spit in my mouth as I try my best to maintain eye contact.

I haven't even blinked before Levi has zipped right by me, my shuffle goes back to a confused stomping, I probably look similar to a newborn taking its first steps. 

We go again and again, I get close to grazing his arm but he ducks and swishes right by me. An elegant marble of sweat christening his pale brow, while I trudge around huffing with what looks like a bucket of water showered over me. The sun bakes my skin, I can tell by the redness of my tan shoulders that I'm going to get a nice burn. Levi finally straightens up and rubs the molecule of sweat of his brow, he clicks his tongue once in disappointment. 

"Tch. You couldn't even harm a fly, way too slow. Let me show you." If I didn't know better, and I damn well do, this situation  would almost be comedic to a stranger. Sure Levi doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body, but he's tiny as far as football goes, and I may not be tall but I'm close to 6ft whereas Levi isn't even half way near 6ft. But he's a lean mean football machine, I've seen him take down men who looked like they were half bison half human before. Size means nothing to him.

Levi throws me the ball and then tucks his body into itself into a flawless tackling form, a missile about to launch. I crouch into position, shaking my head like a wet dog to get my sticky bangs off my face, then zone in on his legs. All he has to do is sweep me down, just one leg at least. I need to show him I'm not a total failure as a player and try to dodge his tackles. My hands feel slippery as I hold onto the football, I keep it embedded into my chest hoping to keep it there no matter what. 

The moment I start to sprint my freaking hardest past him he's like a damn lightning bolt, I find myself shocked after he strikes me. He explodes up into me, seizing me by the hips, lifting me up and striking me into the ground. The ball thumps into my ribcage and I cough out, the sky begins to spin above me as I try to contemplate what the hell happened. My eyes center on Levi's face hovering over mine, to my surprise he looks worried, his hand brushes back my bangs and he searches my groggy stare with parted lips. 

Ah there it is, from this close I can see the dark blue in his irises. My heart pounds as I listlessly stare back at him.

"You didn't drop the ball, but you certainly drove your head into the ground didn't you? You have quarterback potential. Not the whole getting hit like a smart- car by a ten- ton- truck part but the whole not letting go of the ball part." He grabs my free hand and helps me up, then picks off the grass lodged into my untameable auburn hair as a try to steady myself. I look down at him as he slowly licks his lips in concentration as his fingers pinch at my mane. He's so small huh? I start smiling and I'm not really sure why, Levi gives up on grooming me and then steps back with a raised brow.

"What are you so happy about? Does getting a mouthful of dirt raise your spirits ? C'mon, that's enough for today, I'll teach you how to tackle like that tomorrow." Levi turns around and wipes his shoes off on the mat before the door, then slides them off and carries them inside. I simply sit back down at the door, peeling my squishy sneakers off and snicker to myself.

 

 

 

"He's better than I remembered."


	4. Adulthood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm always apologizing for taking so long with each chapter haha, but this one is at least a pretty long read so there's that at least. I enjoyed writing this chapter, letting you guys know the neighborhood, and more about Eren's past. Not to mention some more Eren x levi time~

 

 

 

Dad sleeps on the couch. The master bedroom isn't his anymore, its Mom's. Our house is a museum of moments lost in a time when death was something that happened in the future. But now memento mori is painted all across our walls and stained in the carpets, constantly reminding us that we lost someone that can’t be replaced but can only be mourned. But if we don't touch anything, if we leave it just as she liked it once upon a dream of nostalgia, the house becomes her. And we can be cradled again in her cozy warmth and sweet pea blossom smell, if we close our eyes long enough.

Sometimes if I look at her rocking chair, the one, if I lose myself enough into an unwavering gaze, I can see my 6 year old self sitting in her lap when I got pneumonia. It was the middle of the night, she just kept rocking me back and forth singing "White Christmas" and the feverish nightmare I was enduring just became this pleasant smothering fog.

Sometimes I get so fucking angry I just want to bash that chair into splintered pieces until it no longer resembles a piece of furniture. Until it no longer resembles the pain I feel, until my hands are two bloody pulps of meat. Because she's no longer here to rock me into that pleasant fog of childhood, where she could take care of me, where she could love me. I'm just stuck now in this constant feverish nightmare where she doesn't exist and I have to take care of myself.

I think about this all as I stare at my dad, snoring quite loudly on his back, laying on the couch with his laptop on his belly and left arm hanging off at the side. His fingertips graze the living room rug, his right arm folded so that the right hand rests on his collarbones, his oval glasses still tucked in a loose grasp. He needs to shave, he was never good at growing a mustache, its thin and scraggly. Also, he needs a haircut desperately, its past his shoulders now. I mean what kind of doctor has hair like that anyways.

It's Saturday, so I make pancakes in a pissy mood, flipping over the flaps of dough with a vengeance. I've always been a moody person, this much hasn't changed, I guess I've just gotten worse ever since - yeah. I'm gonna try not thinking about it much, Mr. Shadis says its not healthy to start fixating on what can't be changed.

I can hear Dad yawning, the smell of breakfast starts to calm me down, plus I kind of feel sorry for my Dad now. I wish there was something I could say to comfort him, to comfort myself, but the only one who knew how to reassure us isn't here anymore. When I try to say something it comes out as an insult, when my Dad tries to say something it sounds like a scolding, so we just suffer these silences interrupted by unimportant babble.

As we talk about how terribly hot it is outside, how it’s a cloudless day and all, I get a text from Armin.

**Armin:** _Would you like to go to the lake? It's so hot and I've been trying to work on Calculus homework but I think my brain is literally frying._

**Me:** _How can u do calculus on a Saturday? Actually, how can u do calculus at all? Haha, sounds good tho. Pick me and Mikasa up in 30 mins maybe?_

**Armin:** _Be there in a jiffy!_

  
Be there in a jiffy. Oh Armin, bless your poor nerd soul.

I pull on some green swim trunks, baggy white T-shirt that says "Can you not?", and slip my feet into some brown flip flops as I shout a goodbye-dad-gonna-hang-with-Armin-and-Mikasa out the front door.

 

 

As I cross the street to tell Mikasa our Saturday plans I glance at Mr. Hannes mowing his lawn with a cold bottle of moonshine. I give him a wave and he waves back with a grin surrounded by gold flakes of 5-o-clock shadow. His fuzzy blonde hair glistens, he probably hasn't taken a shower in a day or two, and if I get any closer I'll be able to smell that alcohol he's constantly sweating out of his system. He works online though so he gets to sit on his ass all day and not worry about having a bottle too many without a boss to supervise him. Or wife to supervise him for that matter, he still lives life in a man-cave as a bachelor. My dad and him go way back, the unlikely duo, brainiac and the popular party boy. I used to call him Uncle but I've grown out of that. Especially when I realized that my happy-go-lucky uncle wasn't a funny clumsy man but a borderline belligerent babbling drunk half the time I speak to him.

Slipping my flip-flops off at the entrance, I run up the stairs and into Mikasa's bedroom. Bursting through the door I bellow,

"Hey so Armin - oh shit!"

I'm about to announce the plans until I am standing across Mikasa and her bare boobs, she seemed to be in the middle of brushing wet showered hair in front of the mirror with just her polka-dot panties on. I stop mid sentence and turn around to cover my face with my hands awkwardly,

"Sorry sorry, oh uh, right, so Armin is coming by in 30 minutes to take us to the lake." I wait for her answer as I wait in this self-made darkness, My hands over my eyes like that monkey-no-see-evil statue, but I don't get an answer.

"Mikasa?" I draw out the A's in her name as I grow impatient, I try to get rid of the image of her boobs appearing in my head again, she's always wearing sports bras so I never knew how much she's - grown? Jesus, puberty is either an asshole or a fairy godmother, though in my case it hasn't really noticed me. I still have these baby cheeks and I have almost no body hair, and let's just fucking forget about me getting any facial hair.

I don't know, Mikasa is pretty much my sister so seeing her like that has no effect on me except feeling bad for invading her privacy and uncomfortable with now seared image of her topless in my mind. She's a beautiful girl and all, in that athletic way, but we took baths together when we were babies for chrissakes. In kindergarten our classmates would joke around saying that she was my girlfriend, the whole K-I-S-S-I-N-G in the tree song, and I would say that it was gross because she was my sister. Mikasa would either scare the other kids off with that trademark Ackerman death glare, or would go eerily quiet as I would talk about how we could never be together.

"I'm ready now, but make sure to knock before you come in next time okay?" She's wearing a sportsy one-piece navy blue swimsuit with a plain white sleeveless dress over it, of course she has her signature red scarf loosely wrapped around her neck. Mikasa then leans up to grab a floppy straw hat on top of her vanity-mirror and then joins me at the door. I'm not positive, but her face looks a little flushed, I hope she's not too mad at me.

"Alright, sorry Mimi." I only call her that when she gets annoyed with me, it’s a cheap trick that always seems to lighten her mood when she gets sour.

When we get to the bottom of the stairs I notice Levi with a messenger bag over his shoulder and his motorcycle outfit on, I ask him to join us with pitiful raspy hope in my voice.

"Hey Levi, so do we you, I mean, would you like to go to the lake with us?" Great job Eren, a real wiz with words you are. Jackass. I mean he’ll reject my offer like he always does, but now he definitely won't come along. He never joins us, whether he had practice in football or going on a date with Petra, till now when he says another excuse.

"Can't. Work till 8:30 P.M. Bye, I'll make sure to bring back groceries. We need milk and we are about to run out of bread." He leaves the door open for us, not sparing a moment for pleasantries. We watch him hop onto his bike and zoom off to work at this coffee/tea shop called "Bean & Leaf." I've never really been there before because I don't care much for tea or coffee. Though the hipster kids at school always say that their stuff is the best and you might as well drink your own piss if you buy from the 'mainstream' coffee store chains.

Just as soon as Levi left Armin arrives in his beat up Volkswagen, it sports a new milky splotch on its roof from an evil pigeon I presume. Mikasa and I jog up to the vehicle and say our hellos to the blonde, and I slip into shotgun and Mikasa sits in the back with her legs crossed. Armin has "Days" by The Drums playing on the stereo and I prop my feet up on the dashboard, my right foot beating to the surfer-boy rhythm.

I take out my tortoise-shell clubmaster glasses and slide them onto my face when we arrive at Colossal Lake, it's called that because there's this huge boulder adjacent to the pool of water where daring kids love to run and jump off into the water. Mikasa lays out our Hawaiian-esque towels, I plant our big blue umbrella by their blankets (Mikasa and Armin burn very easily), and Armin puts freshly cut watermelon onto paper plates and hands it to both of us when we are all seated and comfortable.

We eat until all that's left is watermelon juice in the tubberwear bowl and stray seeds along its walls. I decide to take a nap in the sun, enjoying the feeling of being baked like a cookie, seeing the red of my eyelids just before I doze off. Everyone else seems to follow suit, the white noise of kids explaining the great design of their mud-castles (we don't really have sand) puts me into a pleasant dream. When I wake up from the sound of a baby crying, I sit back on my elbows and take in the scenery.

A mixture of children with floaties strapped to their small chubby arms with attentive parents standby and teenagers splashing and gossiping amock populate the area. I spot Historia and her bestfriend Ymir sunbathing besides each other, she wears a dainty blue bikini while reading and Ymir seems to be sleeping with her mouth hanging open in board-shorts and a tube top. Ymir is a tall tan burly gal who dominates the girl's volley ball team, she even beats the boys in beach volley ball whenever anyone sets up a net at Colossal Lake. I don't really get how they became friends, in elementary school she would always bully Historia for being too nice but now they are almost inseparable?

Loud screaming and the splashing of legs sloshing around, I turn my attention to Connie and his girlfriend Sasha squirting at eachother with waterguns. They're a cute couple, she's taller than him and sort of chubby in that cute girly way and he's tiny and skinnier than a popsicle stick. But the brunettes have always been class clowns and are the best comedy duo I've ever seen, they keep me from falling asleep in math class. When Sasha pins him down laughing to make-out with him on the lake's shore, her breasts almost spilling out of her yellow frilly bikini-top, I decide to people-watch somewhere else.

Of course Jean is perched at the top of The Colossal, he's with Reiner and Marco, cat-calling Historia like the fuckboy he is.

 

"Hey Historia how bout' you join us up here? We are all gonna jump at the same time, it'll be fun!" Reiner looks down hopefully, his white-blonde hair practically blinding and his shoulders already tinged with sunburns. Bertholdt joins the boys at the top with Annie piggy-back riding him, I can never tell if they are dating or if they are just really good friends. Since Bertholdt always looks like he's going to shit his pants I can't tell if he's blushing and Annie always looks bored so, I don't know. I also don't know much about her other than she always has paint in her strawberry blonde hair from living in the art room at school.

Ymir keeps sleeping and Historia gives in to peer pressure, walking all the way up the hill and standing in the circle of popular people. They start to blast music from some transportable speakers, "Kisses" by Kisses begins to echo into the dome of water and sandy dirt like a Greek theater. Mikasa nudges me, her hand hesitant on my shoulder but voice strong and even as usual.

"Will you put sunblock on my back?" I grunt a sound of approval and get on my knees, trying not to get sand onto either of our towels as I squirt a glob of sunblock onto my left palm. I begin to lather her shoulders and make sure to not miss any places, I'm reminded of when I wash my dad's car out in our driveway. I notice Mikasa's ears are rosy, damnit, how is she already getting sunburnt? I dab a bit of sunblock on them and she twitches, huh, didn't know she was ticklish. When I'm finished I rub the leftovers onto my forearms, not that I need any protection. I'm pretty naturally tan and my genes keep me from having to worry about those sort of summer troubles.

It's nice being able to relax sometimes but I would prefer to be training and getting my hands dirty than just wasting time like this. It's my last year in highschool and all I've really got going for me is my physical ability, I'm all C's and B's so if I don't get a scholarship in football I'm screwed. Tension starts to build up in my neck and in my brow, I can feel the anxiety filling me up with it's metal hooks tearing into my chest from the inside. I don't get why adults always say that being in high school is supposed to be "the time of our lives", our time is spent on worrying about the incoming comet of a future than on the flimsy present. We aren't doing things now to enjoy them at the moment, but doing things now so that they can alleviate the burden of what's coming for the years after this one.

A mind shattering scream interrupts these invasive thoughts.

I jump to my feet and hear the thunderous splash that quakes the lake, the audience on shore goes completely silent until we see what emerges from the water.

It's Historia catching her breath, or what's left of it, and it's the first time I've seen her look - real. Her face is twisted with the aftermath of intense panic, Ymir is already swimming free-style towards her and sweeps her up back onto their towels. When Historia is safe and wrapped in Ymir's towel, Ymir looks up at Jean and screeches with a face red enough to show on her deep clay colored complexion.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY TO PUSH SOMEONE OFF SOMEWHERE THAT HIGH AND SCARE THEM HALF TO DEATH? Jean Kirchstein, you won't even be able to scream for help because I'm going to rip your fucking tonsils out!" But she doesn't get a chance to prove her threat, because I'm already blindly running up Colossal hill, I'm being smothered in a red fog of rage that will suffocate me unless I punch a hole through it and into Jean's face.

Which is exactly what I do when I push past the shocked faces of the A crowd and clock the mortified asshole straight in the nose. I can hear Mikasa and Armin yelling at me to stop, everyone telling me to step away, but eventually the voices become this radio static buzzing in my ears as the red in my veins materializes everywhere.

 

Jean tries to fight back, his fists glancing off my jaw, his struggle to push me off of him, but my weight on his chest overwhelms him. His nose bleeds out like a faucet, I start to feel the splash of it onto my cheeks, but I just keep going. The fire I feel consumes me, I spread the fire because that's all I know how to do, I can't even stop myself anymore. The only thing that seizes me is Mikasa's steel grip on my raised wrist, before I can send another blow into the mushy mess below me. I'm getting dragged away, everything is blurry, I try to find the oxygen I'm supposed to have in my lungs unsuccessfully.

I hear Jean blubbering out,

"I didn't mean to, it was just a joke! It was just a joke I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm s-sorry..." He blubbers and Armin is holding my hand, his mouth is moving but I don't understand him. I can only hear the sobbing and can only see the crimson, I try to focus on Armin's hand to calm down. I remember what Mr. Shadis says, count to 100 and focus on your breathing. 1...2...3...

Mikasa hoists me up, she wraps my left arm around her neck and just about carries me to Armin's car. My legs are just rods of lead, but I'm starting breathe regularly again, the fuzziness of my surroundings starts to focus and I realize my hands are still white knuckled fists. I let them uncoil, my blood smeared weapons brought down to my sides in the back seat. Mikasa looks so concerned, and the guilt begins to rise up in my throat like vomit.

"What Jean did was shitty but you went too far Eren..." Her voice is remarkably delicate, she's afraid of setting me off again, and I wince at the thought with shame. She's petting my back, trying to soothe me in any way she can. Armin softly suggests,

 

 

"Let's just get home and clean up, okay?"

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After my 'rage mode' fizzles into a muddy puddle of regret, my two friends lead me to lay down on Mikasa's nearly white but pink sheet-ed bed. I stare at the bumpy beige ceiling sort of like how you'd look up and look for shapes in clouds in the sky. Except all I get are tiny shadows, strands of abandoned spider webs, and a pit of aching despair in my stomach. After the high of adrenaline there is now the low of waking from a red dream. I don't want to deal with the consequences, I just want to lay down and forget everything.

Mikasa sits besides the bed, fiddling with the thick tips of her worn ballet shoes. Armin sits on the edge of the bed and scribbles in his 99 cent notebook, I'm sure that he's squeezing in some homework-time while I deflate. They don't say anything, but they show their support with their company. I am both grateful and ungrateful, appreciating their true friendship but not feeling any better from it. I wish I was better than this.

 

Once Mikasa finishes adjusting her ballet soles she sets them back in her shoe rack and announces, "I'm going to make us some split pea soup." Covering my face with a hand I grouse into my right palm,

"Mikasa it's 90 degrees outside." She shrugs and already begins heading towards the kitchen, I can hear her reply as she walks down the stairs.

"I'll just turn the air conditioner on."

Soon I feel some arctic relief hushing through the room, Armin decides to set his homework on an actual table downstairs and gives me some privacy. Hopefully I can beg Armin to copy his notes for class because I can't even begin to think about homework in my current state of being. I flip over onto my stomach and stare out the window, the clouds in the blue sky have been chased off by the menacing flashlight sun.

I get up slow and lethargic, Mikasa has one of those big windows with pink window-seats, and I swipe a penguin plushie pillow and hold it to my chest as I sit down criss-cross-apple-sauce by the glass. It's kind of cute how Mikasa still loves the color pink, she has a six pack and never smiles but she loves such a kiddy-color. A motorcycle begins to echo in our vacant neighborhood, we must be the only people who aren't outside enjoying the classic summer day. Although a pang of excitement to see Levi hits me, so does the humiliation of him finding out about me losing my temper in such a cliché Eren Jaeger way.

His motorcycle rolls up, helmet removed with the Levi movie-star head shake right afterwards, and it's not long until I can hear him jogging up the stairs and into his room. I wonder why he's back early, he's not on his lunch since his shower is already turned on and blazing. Squeezing the penguin-pillow tighter I stare out at the blankness of suburbia, feeling the anaconda tightening anxiety of being trapped in a place for so long. Will I ever leave this place? Will I always be this way?

There's a soft tapping behind the bedroom door, though the person behind it doesn't bother to wait for a reply. I watch a grey cat slink across a sidewalk and disappear into a garden of daffodils, sock-ed footsteps close in on me and I turn my head without turning my body.

"You have blood on your face." Levi states matter of factly. I shrug and look back out the window, I don't want him to see me like this. Levi sits down next to me, he has checkered grey pajama pants on and a white crew tee that looks damp around the collar. His hair is still wet but I'm guessing it's already been tousled with a towel since it's not dripping. Said towel now rubs rough and quick against my face, and after Levi deems my face to be acceptable he tucks his knees into his chest and leans his back into the window. He watches me silently with his hands on his knees, as if he knows if he stares at me long enough I'll break. And I do.

"I just really hate myself sometimes. Because there are moments when I feel like I'm already grown up, that I won't make the same mistakes again, that I know the difference between right and wrong. But then there are times like these where I don't think I'll ever change, that I'm doomed to keep waking up to the consequences of being me. That I'm still this helpless kid that wants to leave this town behind once and for all but can only dream of doing so. I hate it so god damn much, not being strong enough to change." My fingers dig into the cotton pillow, my teeth grinding, my glare speared into the house where I grew up. Levi sighs and lets his head fall back into the window, his eyes half lidded and tired.

"Well you aren't an adult. I mean, yes you are 18 but that doesn't mean a fucking thing, it's just a number. You still have so much to learn. That feeling never changes by the way, the shit-in-my-diaper fear and the uncertainty. I'll let you in on a secret: there is no such thing as an adult. People will always be insecure and hoping for a better future, will always feel like they are trapped in their childhood no matter how far they've traveled to abandon it. No amount of wrinkles, of diplomas, or children can cover up that fact. What tends to happen is that, as time goes on, you learn better ways of coping with responsibilities. And most importantly learning how to cope with yourself. The only person you will spend your whole life with is you, so there's no good reason to turn to self hatred. Regret is the root of all misery anyhow."

I look at Levi dumbly, breathing through my mouth and brow furrowed slightly. My shoulders have dropped, my body relaxing and my grasp on the penguin-pillow releases. I've never spoken to him like this before, and he's never talked to me like this either. The shock and the meaning of his words put some oxygen back in my lungs, my chest lightly going up and down in peace. I say very softly, so softly I myself barely hear it.

"Thanks."

Levi looks at me from the corner of my eye and nods once, we blink at each other and I feel something different. Something I've never really felt before, like I'm truly being understood and listened to. That the person who listened to me heard the me that I know, not the one that they've judged and thought of. It's a weird and complex thought, one that satisfies me in a unforeseen profound way, especially because it's him. I can't explain it in words, because the feeling itself is a mystery to me.

"Come here." Levi gets up and saunters to his room, I watch him disappear into his universe numbly, then leave behind the doll and follow him. Closing the door behind me, I wait with clammy palms for what he wants to show me exactly.

Levi bends down and pulls something out from underneath his computer desk, it's an old radio, and he places it on his bed and presses play. There's some faint hissing digital sound, and Levi sits back into his cherrywood bed-board with a pillow placed behind his back. He gestures at his bed with an open hand, inviting me to lounge with him, so I warily go forward and lay on my back by him making sure to keep my feet off the bed. I read the label on the radio and it reads "Sony CDP-101." It's pretty prehistoric.

"'Airplane' By The Album Leaf." Levi says this under his breath, then he closes his eyes and I decide to do the same. 

 

 

The strange murmuring of people intrigues me, the particular sounds expressed bring perfect imagery of the flight. Gentle care free guitar strings start to take my mind higher and higher into a lofty breeze of thought. And I leave behind all of my anger, all of my burdens, and get sweeped off into a pastel sleep. Only a passenger on a plane, with a pilot with black hair and wings to take me.

 

 


	5. Take Your Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a slow writer but at least I gave you guys a pretty hearty meal of a chapter. The next upcoming chapters will be a lot of fun and some serious angst is coming up. You are all my patient precious dorks, thank you for reading~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They say time heals all wounds, but that's not true. It doesn't heal anything. Time conceals pain with memories layered upon memories. There's that one story with the 'Princess and the Pea' and everything, where the princess sleeps on top of 20 mattresses stacked on top of each other but she can still feel the pea underneath them all digging into her back. That's the memory one tries so hard to forget, so hard to not feel anymore.  

As I get ready to go to school I think about this in a blurry state of being, brushing my teeth at 6:30 A.M. Damnit, I always get toothpaste drool rolling down my wrist.  

Dad isn't here right now, he had the usual emergency surgery to do so now I'm making myself some eggs and a protein shake in blue-denim jeans and a plain beige tanktop. Levi says I need a better diet if I want to gain muscle mass, that 'exercise doesn't mean shit if you eat shit.' Anyways, I didn't get any good sleep last night, it's too hot and the fan isn't enough, isn't loud enough to stop the sound of my invasive thoughts or the sweat slipping down my back. My recurring nightmare has resurfaced, the fear on my mother's face, my helplessness, and I'm too scared to sleep. It's always the same dream. 

The last time I had a nightmare-free dream was when I fell asleep on Levi's bed. He was gone when I woke up, it even took me a minute to even know where I was, I'm still not familiar with actually being inside his room. It was already dark outside so I ended up sneaking back to my house because I didn't feel like dealing with the pity in my friend's eyes. 

I hear 3 distinctive honks outside my house, that's Armin's signal, and I sling my backpack over my shoulder and lock the door behind me with my key-necklace. I'm always losing everything so I just keep my house key around my neck just in case. Armin is flipping through songs on his I-pod already, fiddling with his blue suspenders thoughtlessly when he looks up and grins at me. Mikasa waves "good morning" from shotgun, wearing another one of her long flowy skirts that go just below the knee. The seating arrangement is cool because now I can totally pass out in the back seats since I got .5 hours of sleep. "What a Pleasure" by Beach Fossils begins to play. 

I realize 5 minutes from school that I forgot to finish my history homework and dig through my cluttered bag and jot down the rest of the answers thanks to Armin having a near photographic memory. I run into class before the bell rings and put my homework onto the stack of already turned in assignments, sitting down and resting my jaw onto my desk the moment I sit down. I hear a rising murmuring in the classroom and open my heavy eyelids to see what's going on. My entire body whips up with my back pressed against my chair in shock when I see who's back. 

I didn't think he'd show up this week. It's Thursday though and Jean has just sat down next to me with a violet shiner around his right eye, a recovering split lip, and a green bruise on his left cheekbone. His clothes look almost like pajamas, a comfy tracksuit with crumbs on the chest, his dulled golden eyes start to drift in my direction. Before he catches me oggling his damage, I stare straight down at my hands in my lap, examining the cuts on my guilty knuckles, and my right sandal-ed foot starts to tap anxiously on the carpet. My stomach twinges in a fit of nausea and I slowly lift my head to face my nemesis, preparing myself for his onslaught of insults.  

But he ignores me the entire class. The rest of the students are the opposite, whispers and staring, eventually Mr. Pixis pairs us all with partners to do a review worksheet for an upcoming test. I pull my desk to Historia who gives me a nervous but kind smile. 

"Hey, Eren. How've you been since..." I'm sure my tight expression answered her question because she keeps talking as she starts writing her name on the paper, "Thank you for that by the way, I mean it was - much. I know you did it for me though, so, thank you..."She rests her hand on mine for a second, her palm is surprisingly sweaty, but at least her expression seems genuine and grateful. Eyes crystal blue and hair a glittering blonde, I guess this is why the guys on my team all have a thing for her. I just sigh through my nose and give her a smirk, then pull away and open up my history book to the chapter the test is on.  

"God, I really couldn't care less about what all these old guys fucked up in the past." I grouse as I scribble down the second to last answer, my fingers digging at my shaggy hair. Historia giggles and erases something as she responds, 

"If we don't learn from the mistakes of the past, even if their not ours, then we risk making those same mistakes again and again." I stop writing to turn and give her a pursed lip and a concerned brow, tilting my head to the side as I reply to her fortune cookie reply. 

"You're pretty weird Historia." She startles for a moment and her eyes go large at me, then she covers her mouth and coughs out this unattractive laugh. When she recovers she bites the end of her pink pencil and asks me, 

"It's just something my sister says... Hey, you want to sit with me at break?" 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Ymir doesn't look happy as she gives me the snake eye, other than her everyone is happy to sit down at the same lunch table. Historia hangs out with Ymir, Sasha, Sasha's boyfriend (and my teammate) Connie at the lunch table just about in the center of the cafeteria. The logistics of the cafeteria are this: The closer you are to the center of the cafeteria, the more popular you are. I've never really given a shit about those things, Mikasa and Armin and I usually chill on the outskirts. Our table is next to the point-dexters that are on the debate team that always seem to be, well, arguing. 

Jean and the other popular idiots sit in the very center. Though I guess I'm being kind of harsh, the only idiotic thing about most of them is that they put up with Jean, especially Marco. The fact that Marco is best friends with Jean baffles me, Marco is kind and friendly with everyone who interacts with him. He helps clean after class for teachers, helps kids who drop their binders, and helps controlling Jean's permanent asshole condition. They've been inseparable since kindergarten, sorta like Mikasa and I. Every Yin needs its Yang I guess. I let myself focus on our table now, Sasha laughs with a mouth full of chips in her mouth and Connie is making a goofy expression as he tells the end of a story.  

"I really like your socks Armin, what is the squirrel saying? I can't see." Historia points benevolently at Armin's orange and light-brown socks and his face turns the shade of a Shirley-Temple soda. Everyone leans over to see him cross his left leg over and lift his pant leg up, he excitedly guffaws as he nudges one of the many squirrels saying, 

"Let's go nuts!"  

We all start busting up at this, even the snobby-Mc-snob Ymir allows some chesty chuckles as she fixes her twisted strap on her military-print tank-top. Once all of us have collected ourselves Krista claps her hands together and an idea brightens her face. She exclaims, 

"Okay, so I'm having a party at my house this Saturday and you guys are definitely invited." Historia looks at me fondly and I just grin at her back, then I feel a pair of eyes digging into the side of my face. Its Mikasa, she looks unhappy about something, her dark blue eyes going black. Maybe she's nervous because this will be the first party we've been to in our entire high school career?  

"Hey, your brother is Levi Ackerman right?" Connie asks Mikasa with a whole lot of hope in his tawny eyes, his arm is now looped around Sasha's waist. He says both Levi's first and last-name because that's just the kind of guy Levi is. A first and last-name kind. Mikasa's face sort of naturally scowls at the dreamy mention of her famous sibling's name, she nods though with a simple, 

"Yes." 

I'm sure she's annoyed because even though she's known for being the best athlete at our school at the moment, her future schooling at Juilliard evident, she just can't seem to step out of her brother's shadow. Even if she is taller than him... 

"Holy shit that's so cool, I'm always so jealous because Eren gets to train with him. You should totally invite him, everyone would totally go to Historia's if he was going." Mikasa smiles but it’s a soul-less expression, there's no way she's going to invite him. "Oh, you train with him after school today right Eren?" Connie gets up to find a seat next to me, giving my shoulder a couple light punches as I think about how fortunate I am.  

Sasha snorts as she crumples her bag of Doritos and leans forward, her striped tube-top strains to contain her - for some reason the term 'lady-lumps' come to mind. She wags her finger between Connie and I as she smirks, 

"What's with every guy in this school worshipping that guy? I'm surprised the two of you aren't sporting big ol' boners right now." Conner covers his face with a hand and shakes his head, then replies as he walks back over to her and sits down. 

"Babe. He's one of my biggest inspirations. I was afraid to even consider joining the football team because I'm not exactly the biggest guy, but neither was Levi. You know?" Sasha eyes go heavy with love as she pets his fuzzy shaved head with long fingernails, she leans up to kiss him chastely.  

As the conversation moves along my mind doesn't, I can only jitter with impatience thinking about how much stronger I can get afterschool. 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"So you're having the nightmare about your mother again? It's been a while since you've had that dream, you only seem to have that dream when you are particularly stressed. Anything happen recently to start up the nightmare?" Mr. Shadis clicks the top of his blue fountain pen a couple times as he examines my reaction, I've finally admitted The Nightmare is back. I've been avoiding the subject ever since I turned Jean's face into a Picasso painting.  

I sigh and lay down sideways on the couch, into that classic patient-at-the-therapist's-office position. I look up at the ceiling and confess, my eyes closing to close the world as well.  

"I got into a fight again. I hurt that guy Jean really bad, I'm surprised I didn't get into big trouble. He isn't even acting like a douche-bag as usual, he's just given me this cold shoulder ever since. I mean, he deserved to be punched considering how he treated this one girl, but I - " I go silent, my jaw clenched as I try to block out the memories of my rage-mode.  

"You went too far and now the feeling of guilt won't go away. You are trying to suppress it which only makes it worse. When you aren't conscious to suppress the feeling, the recurring dream rises up from your unconsciousness revealing everything you refuse to feel. So what I'm going to suggest, is that you make up with Jean at that party you told me about the beginning of our session." My eyes just about bulge out of my skull when he prescribes me my mental remedy, I sit up and before I get a chance to say I'd rather eat my own shit he holds up a single finger.  

"You're 18 Eren, It's time you start resolving problems like an adult instead of a kid pulling a tantrum. Your session is up, I don't want you to be late going back to class." I seal up my hanging jaw, smashing my lips together and then going white knuckled while I storm over to Mr. Shadis' door.  

"Fine!" I rip the door open and make my soccer-mom fast-walk back to Armin's car. 

What if I try to say I'm sorry but then end up just killing Jean? I go over the scene in my head, first I'd vomit before saying the sickening apology, then I'd actually say the apology, Jean would laugh like a horse, then I would just kill him. Yup, this is going to be impossible. Damnit. 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 The smell of the trampled grass underneath my cleats soothes me, my body performing to its utmost abilities so that my brain doesn't have time to worry about anything other than 'chopping' my feet. My feet go up and down rapidly, during these drills Levi watches my footwork like a hawk. Next he makes me start shuffling, so I start to 'buzz' to the left and right like a mad man. Levi shakes his head, 

"All I see is a constipated crab, I want you to become a bee's fucking wings." He starts jogging back and forth with me as I try to become a stupid insect's wings and my god the earth must have just started hurdling towards the sun because I'm sweating almost as much as my poor teammate Bertholdt.  

"Faster, faster, can you even fucking hear me anymore? Are you not only slow but deaf?" He doesn't even shout this at me, he just firmly commands up in my face as I deliriously go back and forth. I feel so grateful to have someone pushing me like this though, determination scalding my aching muscles and I must start to do something right because Levi walks backwards a little and goes quiet. He watches me until I think my legs might actually fly out of my body but then he holds a halting hand up and I slow down and rest my hands on my thighs as I heave in oxygen.  

"Now, I want you to tackle me." I hear Armin and Mikasa faintly in the kitchen, the sound of ice pouring into their cups of lemonade sound so enticing. Looking at Levi's glowing eyes, expecting so much, the sounds and world around me silence and darken. We get into position, I squeeze a handful of grass with my left hand as I'm hunched, my forearm burrowed on my right thigh.   

Levi then is off, a bullet straight from the gun, I rely on instinct because Levi's movements are so fast they blur like helicopter blades. I try to sink low, steady my hips, and keep my eyes on his belt buckle, then I try to explode up into him. I finally get my arms around him, before I couldn't even get a grip on him I just glanced off, but this time I get my arms wrapped around him.  

Unfortunately, my arms wrap up too high and my hold fails completely, he brushes me to the side like a cruise ship versus a stray plank of wood. I end up crashing into the dirt and rolling over spectacularly defeated. Levi walks over to my sprawled wreck of a being and kneels down,  

"Eren, were you trying to hug me? You need to aim at my belt-"he draws a line across the plane of his hips,"And you weren't chopping your feet properly, I caught you flat footed and you tasted green soon after." I get up and spit out a couple grassy bits lodged in my mouth, I rub my palm on my forehead and shake my head. I expect him to continue cutting down my amateur technique but he doesn't. Instead he says softly, 

"You look like a pig all covered in mud and grease, you need a shower kid." He tucks his football under his left arm and holds out his right hand for me and I stare at it like it’s the first hand I've ever seen in my life. I put my hand over his, I take in account just how small his pale hand is compared to my gangly burnt tan one. For the brief moment he pulls me up with him my hand tingles, even after he's let go and I'm following him into the kitchen I feel my hand vibrating with energy. Levi tosses me a waterbottle and gulps half of his own down, wiping a couple drops of sweat off his brow with the back of his hand, the same one that held mine.  

Jesus, alright Eren, lets stop being starstruck and take a damn shower because its gonna take a whole lot more than the back of your hand to get rid of the swamp monster you've become. 

 

"You can use my shower." Mikasa walks me over to her bathroom, pulls out a pastel blue towel from her cabinet and hands it to me, "I'm teaching Armin how to make a turkey pot-pie, you should probably learn too since the only thing you know how to make is cereal..." I can always tell when she's teasing me because she can't help but smile ever so slightly afterwards, Mikasa can be bossy but she's never actually mean to me. I say with a cheeky smirk, 

"Yeah yeah, I'll be right down Mimi. Unlike your brother I take 5 minute showers." Mikasa actually laughs outloud at this, turning around and shutting the door behind her.  

Tomorrow is our game with Sina school's Stallions at home base, everyone in town will be there. While I strip down to my birthday suit I go over today's training in my head, recognizing Levi will probably be there too. I can't let him down, or Coach Smith, they've both been giving me so much special attention so I need to give it my all. 

I hear Mikasa come back into her bedroom, so before I get scolded for not even starting my shower I pull my socks off and pull aside the pink shower curtain with fluffy white clouds on it. Before I get in though, the bathroom door is whipped open and before I can even think I'm hollering, 

"MIKASA WHAT-" and Levi's face is contorted in complete dreaded surprise, his pupils shrinking as he glances down at my lanky nudeness. A hushed choked sound resonates in his throat, my hands dart to my manhood and my face simmers in embarassment to the point where my ears are even blazing. He ducks out of the bathroom quickly, the door closed firmly, he clears his throat before explaining.  

"I... ran out of shampoo. I was going to get the spare shampoo under the sink. I thought you were taking a shower at your place... Take your time." I hear his footsteps leave Mikasa's bedroom and I clap my hands over my eyes and squeeze my eyes shut. 

"Oh my fucking god, oh my fucking god, he just saw my dick, oh my fucking god, Levi Ackerman just saw me balls out naked." I whisper hysterically to myself as I step into the shower and twist the bath-knob to a hot water spray.  

I lean my head against the marble wall as I try to collect myself from the traumatizing moment, I keep seeing his eyes looking at my body and his lips parting over and over again. I gently bash my forehead against the wall incessantly to bash out the image seared into my memory, but it persists. The most horrifying thing about this incident, the most shocking and petrifying, is the realization that I am getting a big fat boner.  

 

 

 

"Oh fuck." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. One-sided feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so now things are starting to get complicated. I'm happy to get the story going now, sorry for the usual wait by the way. You guys are amazing (as usual) and I hope you enjoy this chapter~ (I had a good time writing it to be honest)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder if I'll ever feel content with what I see in the mirror. For me it is something deeper than vanity, I'm not sure, there has to be other people like me. The people who feel like their minds don't match what they see in the mirror, don't match the other people they see everyday on the sidewalk or television, can these people ever feel comfortable with themselves? That's why I think there are old men that sit around in bars, holding on to the youth they feel inside with their fingernails, refusing to realize that its time to grow up and notice their wrinkles in the mirror. Young girls who try to hide their lack of age with a shield of makeup, dressing risque not because of desire but because they feel like they have something to prove. So many of us try to hide in the skin we live in and smother the feelings we were born with for the fairytale of normality.  

 

Maybe I'm afraid that the horrible things I feel inside can be seen from the outside. 

 

I remember that fateful night as a prepubescent child, the horror I felt when I saw my lower body react – down there. After I figured out the “magic trick”, as my kindred boy classmates would call it, it wasn't awe I felt but rather a deep sickening shame. Since then till now I can't relate to the sex crazed classmates and friends around me, guys act like being a virgin is just about the worst thing to be. Which I don't understand, I mean how is it better to be a guy who breaks girl's hearts just for a lewd sexual release? I think there are many more important things you can be striving for, like being the best you can be, helping others, there's just a lot more interesting things to do besides humping. 

I'm used to random boners, when puberty was hitting me like a semi-truck there was an incident when I got hard from looking at a chocolate sundae. I usually just ignore the unwarranted erections and get through the sour torment of blue balls, or just jack myself off like someone washes their plates or does their laundry. I tried porn once but the girl just looked so unhappy and the guy looked uncomfortably muscle-y and had too much gel in his hair. I've always just been different in that way, even passionate kissing in movies can make me feel a strange queasiness.  

So when I get this aching hard-on after Levi gets an eyeful of my birthday suit, I am so utterly and completely lost. I turn the shower knob to a temperature penguins would swim in and wash out my hair as fast as I can so I can get out of this Antarctic hell I've created. I wrap myself in this asshole-pink blanket and feel further mocked by the universe as I use the gaudy thing to dry my feet off on the white dread-locked cotton bath-mat beneath me. I stare at myself dripping in the mirror afterwards, as if this scared wrapped-up boy looking back at me can give me an answer to this lurid feeling.  

When I walk out back into Mikasa's bedroom I see a pair of grey sweatpants and a green T-shirt with a faded image of The Hunter's logo on it, which is a set of wings crossed over each other blue and white. Observing the retail quality folding of the clothing, Levi must have placed them there for me to wear when I got out. I make sure the door is locked for fuck-sakes and then start to change into them, when I pull the T-shirt over my face I stop for a moment to breathe in that musky lemon scent and squeeze my eyes shut.  

I want to know more about him, from him. You can hear a million things about a person but nothing is true until you hear it from their mouths, even if it’s a lie. For so long now I feel like I've just been watching him from afar, thinking of all the things I could say without saying them. Imagining what he would tell me without actually asking him the questions. As a kid I remember seeing him as I stood in the bleachers with Mikasa, marching onto the field so many times in that glittering green jersey on the glazed grass.

 

Wanting to meet that hero, wanting to be a hero myself. 

 

"The best turkey-pot pie in the world is ready!" I hear Armin call out from the kitchen down below, the sound rips me from the insanity of my nostalgic reminiscing and the sniffing of my mentor's tee. I pull it over myself and trot down the stairs into the living-room to find Armin sitting criss-cross applesauce in the corner of the big red couch taking a bite out of a slice of his turkey-pot pie. Mikasa finishes setting the last plate and set of utensils on the table and sits in the middle, I notice there are only 3 plates, Levi must be closing at the Bean & Leaf tonight. At least I'll be spared the awkward you-just-saw-my-privates-on-accident-and-we're-pretending-you-didn't conversation. 

"It seems the student has become the teacher, nicely done Armin." Mikasa raises her fork up in the air gallantly and plunges it into her mouth with a stoic face for better staged effect. Armin and I crack up at Mikasa's humor and I sit on the other corner of the couch, setting my feet on the table once my plate is in my lap. Armin clears his throat and mutters, 

"So, I think I know who I want to ask for homecoming... that girl Annie is in my Calculus class, she's really smart and she's really nice to me..." Mikasa and I stop chewing and set our forks down to stare incredulously at our banana-sock wearing friend. He continues in a quieter voice while picking at his food, "She sits next to me too and she falls asleep in class all the time, but whenever she's called on to answer something or help someone who doesn't get a problem its like - she was never even sleeping? She'll just open her eyes and answer it perfectly. Plus, I think her septum piercing is kind of really hot? Ugh, I know I don't have a shot since it seems that Bertholdt and her are going out.. But its nice to think about..." 

Mikasa sets her plate down and turns to Armin, grasping his shoulder almost too hard, I can tell in Armin's winced reaction to it, and she states, 

"You already make something impossible if you don't try. You have me and Eren and we will help you make the best homecoming proposal ever. If she already gets asked then you can try again for winter formal or prom."  She grabs his other shoulder now leaning in close and I can only imagine just how dead serious her face is as she commands him lowly, 

"Don't give up." 

Armin nods very slowly, afraid that if he makes any sudden movements he may never use full motor function of his shoulders again, his blue eyes large and unblinking. I giggle and pat Mikasa on the back,  

"I think he gets it, now lets finishing eating before you give him a heart attack... But Annie huh? Cool." I take a stab at the crust of the pie and enjoy its delicate crunchiness. Armin asks me casually after a moment of silence, 

"So are you going to ask Historia to homecoming? It seems like she really likes you." I nearly choke on my meal, finish swallowing the portion, then bark back. 

"What?! You think she likes me? No way, we are just friends that's all. Anyways, Mikasa and I always go to those formal events together so we don't have to deal with all that drama. It's kinda tradition n' yeah, right Mimi?" I grin and turn to look at Mikasa who has an odd pursed lip and harrowed eyes, she ignores me and interrogates Armin. 

"What makes you think Historia has a crush on Eren?" I roll my eyes and continue eating as Armin shrugs and replies with his mouth full, 

"She's always touching his shoulder or laughing at everything he says, even when it's not funny." Mikasa twitches at the response, but being the smart guy he is, Armin changes the topic skillfully. Mikasa always gets so protective over me, but I don't mind, I'm the only family she's got and it can be annoying but I know she only gets that way because she cares about me. Armin segues, 

"Hey Eren, you nervous about your game with Sina high school tomorrow? I heard they are pretty good." I start to breathe heavy, a surge of violence cooking my brain. 

"I'm gonna tear them all to pieces." Armin and Mikasa just nod to this unfazed, Armin lightly chuckles and then leans forward to grab the projector T.V. controller. 

 

 

Armin turns on some funny sitcom and I get up and turn on the ceiling fan because the heat in the evening cranks up to an armpit sizzling level. 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

  
**Friday**  

 

 

My nerves rattle inside me, I sit on a bench in the locker room almost ready for the game as I push my feet into my cleats, my helmet sitting beside me. I go through all of the techniques I've gone over with Levi in my head, my body spasms with muscle memory as I imagine the tackle strategies. Connie plops down next to me shaking my shoulder with a friendly request, 

"So any tips you wanna share? We've all been dying to know how things with Levi are going!" My team immediately begins to rush to join the conversation, leaning against lockers in front of me and standing at my side. Even Jean, his green face on the process of healing, joins the crowd in the back with Marco. So I share a bit about how not to "hug" your opponent and how Levi wouldn't just wait for me to hit him, that he'd plow through me if he had to. Reiner, our quarterback, listens especially keenly when I discuss Levi's diversion skills. I could have boasted about how amazing those said skills are forever but Coach Smith strolls in and crosses his arms, his tell tale sign that we should be up and ready to listen to his rallying speech.  

"This is the first game of the year everybody. I've seen you all evolve from struggling junior-varsity beginners into commendable varsity athletes. You are all the strongest team I've had in a long time, I think we can even beat our rival The Titans this year.The Sina Stallions aren't push-overs so let's offer our hearts to the game we love and do our best." The moment Coach Smith says 'offer our hearts' we all press our right fists to over our beating chests, a long standing tradition in the Hunters team. Erwin then starts a steady thunder of clapping and repeats over and over,  

"LETS GO, LETS GO, LETS GO." 

We all get our helmets snug on our heads, jogging with our padded armor on our backs, through a tunnel of concrete with the great white stadium lights beaming onto the sweet cut grass field. The smell of kettle corn and the sound of the cheering crowd in the bleachers intoxicate my body with a cocktail of adrenaline and euphoria, I nearly run into ol' Bert in front of me I'm so distracted. Our school band trumpets enthusiastically, the cheerleaders begin to chant their encouragement with matching dance moves. I search the top left of the stands for Mikasa and Armin, where we always sit, and find them both waving at me with both arms. They look like excited blurry little blobs they are so far and high away. 

I turn my attention to my opponents, my tongue fiddles with the mouthguard in my mouth, I glare at the enemy through the frame of my helmet's mask. They've got some pretty big guys, but if I've learned anything from Levi, height and width are meaningless if you have excellent technique. We shake hands with everyone on the other team, but our shakes are firm and our eye contact predatory. Its our senior year and every individual has a lot riding on every performance under the Friday night lights. The referee in black and white is on the field, whistle in gloved hand, and we all set up in position on our sides of the field. We all stretch a bit and try to shake off our nerves, we know the plan, and now we have to execute it flawlessly, I let the jitters melt down into magma and grit my teeth. 

 

The game begins. 

 

 

_First Quarter:_

 

We gain 5 yards in, Reiner seemed to take Levi's advice to heart as he pummels through people like they were propped stuffed animals not ferocious human bears.Our team likes to call him the "wall-breaker" because he can do shit like this. His downfall quite literally was when a group of offense went straight for his hips and took him down flying. Luckily, Reiner held onto the ball like the quarterback champ he is. Connie and I held our own, I 'buzzed' my feet and didn't let anyone past me. Though there was an incident where I almost went limp in my grappling because the dude's B.O. was enough to singe my nostril hairs.  

 

 

_Second Quarter:_

 

Reiner almost costs us our 10 yard first down because a walking tree of a guy nearly knocks him over, Reiner's hands nearly touching the ground in an attempt to steady himself. Thankfully he regains his balance and throws the ball spiraling to Bertholdt in time to make the first-down before a group of incoming tacklers hit him. Meanwhile, just as I think I'm screwed as I'm pec to pec with some barbarian, Jean shockingly helps out by leaping for the barbarian's waist. After the ref settles us all down and I dust off the mud on my thighs Jean and I share a meaningful glance, maybe Jean isn't such a turd as I've thought he is.  

 

 

 _Half Time_ _:_

 

The cheerleaders perform in the middle of the field first, I admire the guts to send yourself into the air like a missile and the sheer athletic ability it takes to perform a variety of dangerous stunts. We have a really good group of girls, Historia is actually the cheer captain, and I watch her balance on the top of another cheerleader's shoulders to hold her foot over her head triumphantly. When she free falls backwards Sasha and Annie catch her flawlessly, the song "Hey Mickey" by Toni Basil playing on the speakers. My team whistles and cheers for the varsity cheer squad when they finish, Connie sighs as the girls flutter back into line in front of the bleachers.  

"I'll never get tired of those sexy skirts." I make a non-committal sound and cross my arms, but instead of checking the girls out I scan the bleachers again, I find my two friends and my confidence boosts. Reiner hooks an arm around Connie and sighs longingly, 

"Same here, man. Ugh, Historia looks so damn cute tonight. I'm definitely going to ask her to homecoming." Connie snickers and I give a lame grin in response to their conversation. I continue to sift through the many people in the stands meanwhile, a lingering need to see sharp black bangs and a rigid porcelain face underneath them persists in me, to my dismay I can't find Levi in the hyped crowd. He probably has work or better things to do then go to a high school football game, he's already in college and everything. Even if everyone in town is here... My feelings are pretty one-sided, I'm the one always searching for him like the little admiring kid I've always been.  

When we gather in a circle Coach devises a genius plan to make Reiner feign a throw to Bertholdt but to actually send it to Jean, Jean is pretty decent at receiving so we all agree on this surprise course of action. What he lacks is speed so our defense has to be built around him, I happen to be closest to him in the strategy so I look forward to all the action I'll be getting.  

 

 

_Third Quarter:_

 

The plan starts out smoothly. Reiner fakes a throw towards Bertholdt which sends the Stallions hurdling in the wrong direction so that when he actually launches the ball at Jean -  the Stallions are stunned. Jean makes a triangle with his hands in front of his face and then the ball hits him, he tucks the ball into his body and sets out on a sprint forwards. Jean isn't used to being wide receiver though, so he dodges and leaps well, but isolates himself from the rest of the team. I manage to butt heads with a couple opponents but then slip out of them when necessary. I end up being the only one close enough to Jean when he gets trapped at the 10-yard line to receive an incoming last-chance throw. Jean can only send the ball sloppily because he gets hit by a ridiculous amount of Stallions, before I can see him at the bottom of a dog-pile I manage to catch the crooked pitch. My only objective is to hold onto the ball for dear life before I also get a good taste of grass. My ears can hear the blood pumping raggedly throughout my body, I can't even really process everything that’s happening it happens so fast, I just take the hit and feel my body get crushed just like a car crash. 

 

_Fourth Quarter:_

 

I feel my entire team's attention on me, Coach Smith has a hand on my shoulder and his bushy eyebrows press together sternly when he says, 

"Just make it to the End Zone and keep that steel grip you have. If you can manage that, we've won the game. Levi mentioned you had potential as a receiver but I certainly believe him now. You've got this Eren Jaeger, your team has your back. LET'S GO TEAM." He releases my shoulder and begins to clap, we all holler out and I feel a couple friendly slaps on my back before we settle back into position.  

The Stallions all watch me like their team name was "The Wolves" and I was simply a rabbit they had to catch with their jaws. I'm terrified and thrilled, although Levi hasn't trained me for this purpose, I definitely remember how Levi would evade me and plow through my offense.  

Maybe today, I can be the hero. 

The game resumes, I ram myself past a leaping lunge and feel my arm bruise from underneath my padded uniform from the sheer force of it. I keep going even after another failed attempt to take me down has a Stallions player ripping past my right leg, I half way jump over it but still get hit hard enough to feel my leg throb with pain. All I know is that when I fall, I catapult myself into the end zone, hear the entire stadium hold their breaths, and crunch into the ground. 

I hold onto the god damn ball. 

The applause and whistling erupts all around me, its muffled at first because I'm inside an igloo of bodies trying to trample me. When they lift off of me I hear the explosion of joy from The Hunters fans, then I ascend as my team-mates put me on their shoulders, and I drop the ball over my shoulder and hold my arms up high. I can't remember ever being this happy.  

 

 

_After the Game:_

 

After all the congratulations from nearly every person I've ever met I've gone numb and fuzzy from the over-stimulation. Armin bought me a bag of kettle corn and gave me a big hug, Mikasa joined the hug and I was sandwiched. Armin said he could give us a ride home but we said we were okay, my dad was going to give us a ride home when he was coming back from work.  

I'm used to my dad missing my games, mom was the one who would shout encouragement from the sidelines back when I was in Little League. Dad was the one who bought ice cream afterwards in his attempt to make up for his absence in the best way he could as mom and I would giddily explain how my games went. 

Ever since my mom left Mikasa kind of covered a part of that feminine void in my life. She's the one who nags now, who worries, who makes sure I eat a good meal. I'm so grateful for that, but I'd die before I'd ever tell her any of this. It's just really embarrassing, how do you tell a friend, 'Thanks for being my step-in mom.' I don't know, I'm not good at sentimental things like that.  

Anyways, ever since freshman year we wait for everyone to leave and walk down the trash filled-bleachers and down the stairs to the football field to lay down and look at the stars. It's dark and quiet now, it almost feels like an entirely different place compared to what it was like earlier. I set my gear-bag down beside us and enjoy the cool air in my sweaty jersey, I'm looking forward to getting a hot shower at home.  

She lays down with her hands on her stomach, she looks comfortable in her purple tanktop and dark denim jeans, red scarf keeping her warm from the night's chill. I lay down next to her, my arms folded behind my back, and I absorb the infinite twinkling darkness above us. Mikasa's strong voice is strangely hushed,  

"I can't imagine leaving this place. We've always talked about leaving this town, but it seems like this town is the whole world." I agree with her while looking at the'W' of the Cassiopeia constellation.  

"It's true. I feel like teachers and parents just expect us to know how to be adults when all we've been taught is how to write an essay or to memorize math formulas. I think the most adult thing I've done is apply to colleges junior year. Who cares about how to live on my own when I can find the square root of a butthole." Mikasa giggles and turns on her side, she starts to pick at the grass then leaving a verdant blade or two on my chest. Then she stops plucking the ground and stares at me, I continue to search for constellations above us.  

"I can't imagine being apart from you." When she says this I turn my head to look at her, she sounds afraid and it feels so out of place to be the one who needs to reassure the other. Before I can think of something decent to say she laughs softly and plays with the fringe of her red scarf. 

"Maybe I should go with you to California, you want to go to USC right? I'm sure there are good dance schools in Los Angeles. You can't live off of cereal and microwave food and be a good football player..." When she whispers this nonsense I sit up and explain to her with an open agitated right hand, 

"You and I both know the best dance schools are in New York, I would never forgive you for turning down the best education only to follow me to California and get mediocre schooling! I'll be fine Mikasa, don't worry about me, alright?" I burn my gaze into her darkening eyes, she slowly stands up and faces away from me. I get up as well, picking up my bag and heading towards the stairs. My phone buzzes and I check to see a message from him already, 

 

 **Dad:** Your friend is going to pick you up instead, I'm gonna end up staying late at work. Sorry. 

 

That's no shocker coming from Dad, I scratch my head in frustration and put my phone in my gear bag.  I'll make sure to give Armin some gas money for picking us up, that old beat up car of his must cost a fortune in oil. When I turn around to still see Mikasa's back down at the field and not following me up the confetti stained stairs, I lean against the metal railing and wait.I hear her say something that sounds like, 

 

 

"What if I'm the one who needs you?" 

 

 

Tilting my head to the side I try to get her to repeat what she said louder and more clearly. I couldn't have heard that right. 

"What if you what?"  

She stays still for a moment but then turns around and walks up the stairs past me with her more normal calm expression, mumbling, 

"Nothing. Are you sleeping over tonight?" 

I don't answer her because suddenly my mouth goes dry because I see a figure at the top of the stands in an unmistakable leather jacket, I even bump into her I'm so taken aback. 

Was he here this entire time? My whole body sparks up inside like lines of Christmas lights beaming underneath my skin. I've always been used to being disappointed, always doing my best to urge myself on to do whatever I dream of accomplishing. I stopped looking for my dad in the bleachers, I got used to my mom no longer smiling for me up there, and I decided that I didn't need anyone to motivate me because I was already a force to be reckoned with long ago. But now... I take a big gulp and slowly answer her. 

 

 

 

"Yes, I will be." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Big Kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to just post the party in two chapters, I feel like I've already made you guys wait long enough tbh. Thanks for reading and kudos-ing, you are all so damn great.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi's hands are in his jacket's pockets, his leather jacket is zipped up and modestly reflecting the sheen of the moon. He isn't looking at me but at Mikasa's face, like he's digging into her eyes with his own to find out what she's thinking and feeling. Then he lifts his chin up ever so slightly, like he's got it. Only when I'm at the top of the stairs he turns to look at me. His fingers fiddle with the ridges of his keys and his black hooded eyes take me in as he announces, 

"Your dad called the house phone, luckily for you two kiddies I was late getting to the game so I was there to answer the ringing. I took Kenny's death-mobile Cadillac since we obviously can't squish all of us on my bike. This will be our secret, understood?" My eyes just about pop out of their sockets because crazy uncle Kenny strictly forbids all living souls from using that magnificent car. He keeps the blood red beauty under sheets so dust doesn't get on it and everything, its his baby for chrissakes. Some men have children and cars, but to Kenny they might as well be the same thing. He's even named it, I heard him call the car "Slasher" once because his car "kills."   

Mikasa just sighs and confirms, 

"Got it."  

Sure it may sound simple but I've only ever seen Kenny drive the thing and it is the most beautiful car I've ever beheld. Kenny would chop us into pieces and toss us all into the sea if he knew Levi was using it as a mere car-pool ride. That car was meant to either serve justice or break the law. 

 I don't want to seem like a loser in front of him though so I pump up a fist and holler out, 

"Let's do it!" At which Levi snorts at, turning around and allowing us to follow him through the parking lot to Slasher. 

 Before I set my bag in the trunk Levi uses Kenny's dirty magazines as a placemat for my dirty equipment duffel-bag. I sit shotgun and let my hands gingerly run over the pale beige leather interior of the car, realizing I really need to save up to buy a vehicle even close to this caliber someday.  

Slasher purrs to life, I roll down my window to take in the sweet smelling summer night and bask in the full glory of the moment. This has been one hell of a day, I take a deep breath and lean my head back. The CD player automatically starts to raspily roll music out of the vintage speakers and its this song "Irene" by this soft singing man Rodrigo Amarante (so reads the radio's text.) I peek at Levi from the corner of my eye, watching the wind make his sharp black hair flutter around endlessly. Without taking his eyes off the road, Levi abruptly drolls, 

"Do I have something on my face or should I pull the car over because you have to take a piss?" My face prickles with heat and damn that was embarrassing. I really do need to stop staring at the poor guy. I just shake my head and nervously chuckle out, 

"Pfft haha... no. " 

Even after being the hero of my high school for one night Levi still reduces me to a babbling mess. I lean my body into the window and look at the houses blurring in the neighborhoods we drive through. When we cruise to a stop at a red-light Levi compliments me in a brief and dream-like moment, 

"Your performance today wasn't bad. I'll tell Erwin - " He pauses to clarify who the heck Erwin is, "Coach Smith, to give you more opportunities to catch." I dumbly stare at him as he starts to turn left on the new green-light, his brow still tensed at its seemingly permanent crease.  

Its weird when things you wish for all the time come true. I'm almost numb to the moment, my brain short circuiting with the lottery-ticket-win flashing lights in front of me. I just look away, licking my dry lips and shyly answering. 

"Thanks, Levi." My eyes continue to take in the hollow-looking houses, it feels like we are the only living life in the whole town. As if nighttime paused everyone and everything but this red meteor of a car lighting up the never-ending black of streets. I remember Historia's party tomorrow when we pass the street she lives on,"Krista."  The thought of how Connie was pleading for me to invite Levi follows suit. The idea is ludicrous, that a legend like him, let alone the fact that he's in college, would go to a high school party. But I'm numb to any bad feelings right now, including fear, so I just use my overactive sense of courage and ask him outright. 

"Our friend Historia is having a party tomorrow, do you want to come? " His eyes squint at the strange stupidity of my question I'm sure, but then as Levi drives straight forward his eyes kind of trail off into his head to remember something. He shrugs and replies unexcitedly, 

"Hm... Historia Reiss, right? Historia's older sis Frieda also invited people over, Petra has a class with her at Trost so obviously I got an invite. I usually don't go to these shindigs because I don't drink and people act like bigger morons than they usually are at these things so I just end up cleaning after broken glasses and drunken asses. But if her younger sis is having little high school brats over than I might just go just in case one of you dweebs needs a D.D." 

I whip my body around so fast my seatbelt catches me by the chest and I kind of choke on my spit in a spectacular way. After wiping my lip casually, Levi spares me the ridicule and doesn't comment on the fail, I try my best to contain my joy in a small comment. 

"Oh, cool beans." 

I could punch myself for saying cool beans, I really could. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wake up drooling on a cream colored pillow on the Ackerman's living room couch. I rub out the crust in my eyes and yawn, glancing down I notice I'm wearing one of Mikasa's plain black sweatpants and a big baggy white shirt. Mikasa and I are actually the same height, so our clothes somewhat fit each other - besides shoe size, I have big dorky feet.  

The sound of a blender is what woke me up, Mikasa must be making a protein smoothie or something. My phone's homepage lets me know its 12:45 P.M. ,  damn its so nice to sleep in sometimes although it makes me feel guilty to waste time on extra sleep when I could be getting things done. 

With that in mind I stretch and make a loud unattractive yawn that scrunches up my entire face, cracking my back in a successful arms up stretch. I hop off the couch and head over to the kitchen, Mikasa is in her usual yoga pants, sports bra, and seasonally incorrect scarf. 

"Mornin'." I jump on the counter and watch her pour out the pineapple banana smoothie into big plastic cups, plucking straws from a drawer and sticking them into both of our cups.  

"Good morning, glad you got plenty of rest considering tonight will probably be a long one." Mikasa looks sweaty, she was probably practicing ballet upstairs, she's a morning person. 

After bending my bendy-straw and taking a sip of the yummy smoothie I thank her, 

"This is great, thanks Mikasa. Ugh, I have no idea what to wear. We don't even go to parties, I should be training but I don't know, it'd be rude not to go after Historia asked me personally and all." I grouse and Mikasa doesn't say anything, she can be quiet sometimes. Which is okay, if you really know a person  you can distinguish the silences that are not the absence of conversation but a response in itself. She's just listening to me and making sure I drink the rest of my smoothie at the moment. 

After I finish up the drink I head home and cross the street, Mr. Hannes is drinking another bottle of beer and sun tanning on a faded purple lawn chair. I can't help but judge him, I pretend like I don't see him and head inside. 

I have a bowl of some fiber fitness cereal and call out for my Dad, in which there is no response besides a brief echo of my half-hearted yell. Its times like these that I really do feel alone, with no siblings and – her gone. 

I take out my school work and start on homework on the kitchen table, pretending I heard Mom telling me to 'Do it now so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow.' 

I wipe a tear off my blue lined paper and it smudges one of my pen inked answers. 

 

 

 

**9:30 P.M.**

 

 

 

 

 

"All your clothes look the same, Eren." 

Armin sits against the wall while on my bed in a classy get up. Blue polka-dot collared shirt with rolled up sleeves, black jeans, and loafers with navy-blue socks with anchors on them. Some of his shoulder length hair is sloppily pulled back into a mini "man-bun" on top of his head, the rest of his hair hangs down.   

"Shut up! You don't think I know that? Damnit, I have nothing cool to wear!" I stare at my row of either plain colored T-shirts or plain T-shirts with sassy text on them. Armin laughs and leaves my bed to help me look for something to wear, swiping through all of my dreary choices until he uncovers a very old forest-green collared shirt at the back of my closet. 

"I don't even know if that fits me anymore, god I think I wore that once to some fancy Christmas work dinner my Dad and the other surgeons had." Armin slips the shirt off the hanger and throws it over my face and belly flops onto my bed.  

"Just try it on," Armin makes his voice go super high and girly, "it matches your eyes!" At which I take the shirt on my head and laugh, rolling my eyes and pulling Mikasa's shirt off of me to try the damn thing on.  

When I finish buttoning all the way to the top of the blouse, it felt weird to leave one open, Armin stops playing a game on his phone to look up and smile. I start to roll the sleeves up and leave them half way up my forearms, now Armin begins this whole goofy act. 

"Historia won't be able to keep herself off of you." Armin makes his soprano voice again, " 'Oh Eren, please take me into your big strong arms!" Armin giggles and slaps his palms on his cheeks to complete his mock interpretation of Historia's reaction of me tonight. I groan and swipe his phone off the bed and throw it over him to land on a pillow just out of his reach.  

"Dude no, Historia doesn't like me I already told you. What about you though? You gonna make any moves on Annie or what?" Although I ask Armin this, I drift off in my mind wondering if maybe Historia does have a crush on me. That'd be awkward, I mean she's nice and all but... I feel like there's something off about her, not in a serial killer quiet kind of way, but the way manic smiling mannequins are off-putting. When I start paying attention again I see Armin pacing back in my room fiddling with one of my footballs as he waves it around explaining his plan in full detail.  

"-And then she will be so drunk she will probably think that I, Armin Arlert, am worthy of speaking to. If I get lucky I could maybe try to hold her hand or maybe tell her she's pretty." I start snickering at my dumb friend and give him a big pat on the back, that startles him into a tiny jump.  

"That's a great plan Armin, you're a real heart breaker." Armin covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. In a fast mumble he complains, 

"Ugh, what good is a 4.0 GPA when I fail at even thinking about talking to a girl I like." His Zelda ringtone goes off and he rushes over to the pillow it was hurdled to and picks it up. While he's chatting I slip Mikasa's sweatpants off and hop into some black denim jeans and some sloppy black sneakers. 

"Hello? Oh hey Mikasa, yeah me and Eren are done we'll be over in a sec." Armin hangs up and we get into his volkswagon, I sit shotgun as always. He flips through his I-pod that's connected to his car's audio and plays 'Perfect Life' by Belong. We bobble our heads to the catchy beat as we wait in front of the Ackerman's, Mikasa wears little black high-heels and a tight black and white checkered dress that goes up her thighs. With the red scarf, as always. 

Armin whistles at her, 

"You look awesome!" She gives a microscopic grin, brushing her long bangs back over her right ear and says thank-you. When she looks at me with a bit of anticipation waiting in her eyes, I nod and in an easy-going way compliment, 

"You look nice." Her lips purse slightly and she nods back, purposefully looking out the window to end the conversation. My phone vibrates and I check my texts to see one new message. 

 **Connie:** _YO THIS PARTY IS GONNA BE CRAY CRAY. Did you convince Levi to go??? Words out and fucking everyone is crashing now, this is gonna be a fat rager!!!_

Oh shit, as if I wasn't already feeling a little anxious about going. Now everyone from my high school will be there? I mean, whatever, I just made a big win at last night's game so everyone will be happy to see me. But if Levi is definitely coming tonight... It will be the first time I get to be around him in this sort of setting. We could talk about normal things, but what are normal things? What could I talk to him about? Sure we could talk about football but we are always talking about that, I want to get to know him and for him to maybe get to know me. 

When we approach where Historia lives I realize just how gigantic the houses are in the area, they are like freaking castles and sports cars aren't a rare sight either. The curbs are all taken by vehicles, teenagers walk on the sidewalk in groups towards the party shouting happily at their friends and I see some packs of beer being carried by guys.  

"Oh my god finally, I found some parking." Armin sighs in relief, after taking a couple tries of the ever tricky concept of parallel parking we get out and become one of the many groups of kids heading to the top of the hill to the gathering. When we get close I can already hear the music pulsing from a house that looks so stereotypically like a 'crazy high school party' I have to stop walking and stare.  

Toilet paper is strewn across the tall trees already decorated with white Christmas lights that line up the spacey cobblestone path to the fairytale-like Reiss abode. The house is made of grey stones and has this fancy-ass big oak door, all the windows flash different colors, and kids smoke cigarettes or weed on their backs looking up at the stars on the perfectly cut lawn up front. I crunch a plastic red cup underneath my right foot and return Armin's intimidated holy-shit-dude stare. 

I open the gaudy golden knob for the door and a wave of an ear thumping melody plays, Armin recognizes it since he's a music nerd and he says its "Celestica" by Crystal Castles. Underneath all the teenage rubble of green/gold beer bottles and party-related trash I can tell this place is posh with their expensive looking art and marble floors. We push through the sea of bodies, its as if everyone I've ever even glanced at in school is here. Kids of every year and some kids I remember graduated a while back when I was a freshman. There's this stone statue of a, Armin claims 'Reuben-esque', naked woman lounging against a wall on a slab of (you guessed it) marble. Someone has put a bra over her exposed rocky boobs, Ray-Ban sunglasses over her eyes, and a used up cigarette in between some of her pinched paralyzed fingers. 

 

"You all came!" I hear Historia exclaim and push through a crowd of woozy classmates. She has streaks of hair-sprayed pink all over her hair and heavy eyeliner that makes her look like those models in magazines. Historia doesn't stop running and jumps on me and thank god I've been lifting weights in my room because I catch her and I try holding onto her and her pale pink petite dress that nearly slips off her. She laughs in my ear smelling like roses and vodka. 

"Woah, steady there." I place her down on her feet, her strappy white small heels clicking on the marble. "Hey Historia, thanks for inviting us, this is a great house you got." I wave my hand in the direction of the naked-woman-statue and Historia barks out a laugh that makes all three of our eyes widen and she rests her palm on the naked-woman-statue's shoulder.  

"This is Maria, I asked Mommy to make her a mermaid but she said that was too childish!" When she says 'too childish' her face twists a little like she bit into a rotten apple. I think I like drunk Historia, at least she's not that perfect prim and proper girl she always seems to pretend to be. Not that being prim and proper is bad but it seemed unnatural.  

 

"EREN YO DUDE THIS PLACE IS POPPIN'!" Connie barges through some scantily clad disgruntled chicks and wraps an arm around my neck. I laugh and pat his back a couple times, he reeks of alcohol and oddly enough he smells like a skunk? Why does he smell like a skunk? He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans, he lets me go and we start to all walk towards the kitchen. It looks like the Ackerman's but bigger and trashed with stray lighters, shot glasses, beer cans, all kinds of alcoholic bottles, and an assortment of bagged snacks and sodas.  

"LET'S GET FUHHHHHHHHHH-CKED UP!" Connie yells and suddenly everyone in the damn kitchen is yelling in glee, I look around and notice Bertholdt swaying next to Annie in a brown hoodie like a storm-caught palm tree. Reiner joins in the frenzy and stabs a can of beer with his car keys and then starts to chug the whole thing from the hole he made in it. People chant around Reiner telling him to 'chug chug chug' and Armin reaches over to a vodka bottle like it’s a bomb he has to carefully diffuse. 

Ymir scoffs at Armin as she enters the adrenaline crazed void of the kitchen in her red plaid shirt and hair strung up in a ponytail as usual, she looks down at him and asks loudly, 

"Bet you couldn't even take two shots of Smirnoff Sours, let alone one." Armin looks terrified, he freezes like a deer in the headlights of a monster truck now that he's been publicly displayed. He then glances at a watching apathetic Annie, then glares up at the tall freckled girl defiantly and pours himself a shot glass. 

"You'd lose that bet." Armin takes the shot and shoves it to his mouth, his head tilting back and eyes squeezing shut. After gulping it he shoves the glass down on the table, coughing a little with desperate teary eyes. He pours another one like he's got a gun to his head and chugs that one down as well, then for the last and third time he pours another shot. At this point everyone is holding their breaths, the music growing louder and louder in our numb eardrums.  

"Holy smokes." The poor blonde gasps as he leaves the glass on the kitchen island and pinches his lips together, his breathing ragged. The entire kitchen begins to applaud him and shout his name endearingly. Even Annie has cracked a grin and twists at one of her long golden bangs that escaped her ballerina bun. Ymir is laughing, she gives Armin a quick noogie and acknowledges him. 

"Not bad buddy, you're a dark horse type aren't ya?" She takes a sip of the Budweiser she's been holding onto like a purse.  

We all start to rush into the living room now, I awkwardly grab a bottle of beer and press it to my lips in the middle of the crowd with all of my jumping and dancing friends. This will be the first time I'll be drinking alcohol, I mean I've tasted some of my dad's secret stash in the back of the pantry  but it tasted so bitter I never gave it another shot. I never party either so there was really no reason to drink in the first place, I always thought it was a stupid thing to do seeing Hannes everyday. But tonight I just want to enjoy what's left of my senior year and maybe find a way to calm down just in case Levi comes. Not that I'm waiting for him or anything. 

The next song is also by Crystal Castles, "Baptism", and when it goes on everyone just goes wild and I feel beer that's not even mine spill on me from all around. I try to wipe it off but its too sticky, giving up I fist bump with everyone else, getting  more used to the burning bitterness of what I'm drinking.  Annie and Bertholdt freak dance together, she constantly adjusts her purple mini skirt and grey tube top. The couple  grinding on another is a very odd sight considering she's 5 feet tall and he's a whopping 6 foot 3. Armin keeps glancing sadly at her and my sweaty teammate, I can tell he's getting a little dizzy from the booze because he keeps bumping into Mikasa and I.  

It starts to get so packed in the living room that I can't lift my elbows without having to maneuver them just right. A dolphin floaty toy is being passed up in the air now, people pass it up and over sometimes spiking it like a balloon-like volleyball. There's a wide glass window we can all see out from, in the madness of music and flashing neon lights I can watch more and more youth venture up and into the castle. Its then with my fourth bottle of beer, I can't remember how many actually, that I hear it. 

The roar of an engine muffled by the insanity and fog of human heat hanging in the air.  

I freeze and spill beer on my shirt by getting bumped into from every angle, when I see the single beam of light surfacing over the hill is when I hear a familiar voice call out happily. 

"Levi's here!" I look over my shoulder to see Petra Ral swinging her hips down a ridiculously wide staircase in skinny jeans, her loose glittery gold shirt that hangs off her shoulder matches her eyeshadow and a brown choker necklace. Its been a while since I've seen her. In person When Levi and her broke up she stopped babysitting at the Ackerman's and consequently stopped babysitting me. She was sort of a crush of mine as a kid, with her big honey eyes and her patience with my dumb ass when she'd help me with my homework.  

With Levi's name mentioned the crowd clumsily pauses and everyone rushes to the giant window to press their greasy noses and hands to the glass.  Another song that’s somewhere on Armin's I-Pod begins to vibrate our chests, "Your Heart Feels" by Thieves Like Us starts up on the DJ's loudspeakers. The beat of the song reflects my own heart's, as if the title of the song understood my situation. I always find that the music surrounding me in a serious moment is making fun of my current situation, like the universe was watching me with a bag of popcorn. Like right now, when I find myself huffing fog against the glass as well.  

He parks his motorcycle on a curb adjacent to Historia's castle, the kids smoking out front in beanies let their cigarettes spill ash gawking at him. As always, when he removes his helmet his hair falls piece by jet black piece perfectly, his blasé expression adamant even when his dumbfound onlookers begin to grow. He runs his fingers like a comb through the front of his bangs and they fall back effortlessly, Petra bursts through the front door with his squad of pals joining her in a more casual approach close behind.  

One of his friends looks kind of pissed though, he walks out the slowest and glares at Petra embracing Levi. It makes my stomach clench to see her arms around him, someone untouchable like him being treated so intimately suddenly fills me with jealousy. How can she make it look so easy to be close to him? Then again, there are some people who blind others with their brilliance like suns, and those who come too close face an eventual fall back to Earth. 

I push through the armpit stench of teens on the dancefloor, heading blindly towards the front of the house. All I know is that I have to see him, my mind blank with the one driving need, without a plan when I see him saunter through the door with his allegiance surrounding him. His eyes are rolling at something his chatter-mouth glasses buddy said to him, Hanji, when they roll onto me. He stops walking and I swear his annoyed friend Auruo and his bewilderingly tall friend Mike bump into him from behind. 

My pink lungs deflate, my pink face steams, and I have nothing to offer but parted lips and a stare. Levi's head tilts at a 5 o'clock but his feline gaze keeps pinning me down where I stand. Its Petra's sweet words that snaps me out of it, 

"Eren? Eren Jaeger? My god, its been too long! Come hang up with us 'big kids' upstairs, you have to tell me everything okay?" She chews on gum and smacks her lip-glossed lips, her right manicured hand pressed to her cheek. It takes a couple of blinks and a full breath of oxygen to understand what she said.  

 

Everyone is watching. 

 

Looking back at Armin and Mikasa, Armin's jaw hanging and Mikasa pursing her lips, I look forward at the kids I grew up hearing about and nod. My hands turn to fists, adrenaline shooting into me in bursts, I answer firmly. 

 

 

 

"Sure."  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

  

 

 

 


	8. Cherries & Whiskey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an eventful and busy summer, hope you all had a nice vacation. Now that school is starting up again, so is my focus, so I'll be updating a lot faster and not taking a whole summer basically. Thanks for reading, hope you like this crazy chapter~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Wanna piece of gum?" Petra chews out a question to me as she smacks on her fruity gum wad. Although she asks she's already handing me the tab of tin foil cased gum and turning away to hand more out to the others before I can say yes. As I slide the gum in my mouth I notice my surroundings are a little topsy turvy. Is this why they say "tipsy" when you're a little drunk? Before I tip into a handrail at the top of the ballroom-like stairway to the bedroom level of the mansion Mike catches me by the shoulder.  

 Looking up at him I realize this dude is even taller than Bertholdt, easily 6"5. He was second best of Levi's Varsity team, a true nightmare of a linebacker with every physical feature to make an opponent quiver in mortal fear. He sniffs me and chuckles, 

"Take it easy, Cherry Boy." I think I nodded but I can't be sure, wait did he just call me what I think he just called me?  

We all head into a purple master deluxe bedroom and I see Historia's older sister in a gypsy-esque long skirt with a tank-top and bangles on her wrists. She slurps from this big glass vase and holds a lighter to a circular opening, it looks like some type of advanced pipe. Oh god, is this meth, please don't tell me poor Krista has a meth using older sister. More fear seizes me as I realize I recognize the skunk like smell, does Connie do meth too? 

"Long time no see my dearest Levi. This weed is pretty dope, wanna take a rip? Ah wait nevermind, you and Mikey can't because of your football scholarships huh? More for muah!" She blows out smoke in big smokey rings and I watch them slowly rise to the ceiling. She puts the big glass thing down and gives Levi a casual hug, then she sits on the ground and everyone follows suit and we sit in a circle on a ritzy looking floral carpet. Well, now I feel more naïve than I ever thought I was. How the hell was I supposed to know that was weed? I mean I've seen movies and stuff but I've never watched a lot of raunchy party scenes, I think doing drugs is pretty dumb to be honest. One thing is to hear about stuff and another thing is to see the stuff with your own eyes and - jesus - the smell.  

Hanji fiddles with a boombox in her brown cardigan, yellow collared shirt, and red velvet pants, "The Suburbs" by Mr Little Jeans goes on, the title sliding in and out of view on the little boombox screen. 

Hanji single handedly did the best senior prank ever, she hacked into the school database and sent emails out to every single student, even teacher, that school was cancelled the day before Spring Break started. She even made a cheesy robotic lady voicemail and had it forwarded to all the high school's connected numbers. Everyone believed it too, until the Principal went on an angry rampage the day after, but no one gave Hanji away. She was known to be kind of a nutcase though, she was in every A.P. class our school had to offer even though her passion was art. But regardless of her nerdy nature she was one of the popular kids and is still Levi's best friend to date.  

While I reminisced the big kids have been talking about the universities they are going to, most people in the bedroom are visiting for the weekend. Hanji suddenly springs up with arms raised and belts out, 

"I'm going to vomit if we spend one more precious millisecond puking out college conversation. LET'S PLAY A GOOD OL' GAME OF STRIP POKER! You lose a hand you lose your clothes. Oh, and you take a sip from Hanji's nutricious whiskey!" She wiggles a big cockroach colored bottle and grins with wild brown eyes glinting from behind her huge glasses. 

"Yeah Hanji's right, I came down here this weekend to forget about school. You still have your poker cards don't you Free-Free?" Mike's deep voice jingles with intrigue. Even sitting down Mike looms over Frieda, while he leans over he nudges her shoulder with his big nose.  

Frieda places her giant lavender pipe thing down and digs through a couple drawers, from what seems to be a desk for school/office work, and pulls out a pack of playing cards. As Frieda gets the cards ready Petra clicks off the bedroom light and turns on a blue party light on said desk that makes everything look, well, blue. Petra goes into Frieda's closet and grabs 2 giant faux fur coats for her and Frieda to wear. 

"You guys can't be serious." Levi stays still, his arms crossed and eyes locked on Hanji. Hanji makes a big Grinch grin at Levi and wags her finger at him. 

"That's true, we aren't serious! You shouldn't be serious too so you could, I don't know, have fun?" Levi sighs and throws his arms up in defeat. Petra titters and takes a seat next to Levi, her low riding jeans slip a little too far and a strap of her white thong slides up. Auruo isn't too happy about their canoodling, I guess he has a thing for her or something, and he gets up and grouses. 

"I'm gonna head back downstairs, I'll catch up with you guys later." Frieda makes a fart sound with her tongue as he opens the door, which lets loose a flood of conflicting music just for a moment before he closes it. With his exit we all sit in a circle, Hanji to my left, Mike to my right, Levi to Mike's right, Petra to Levi's right, Frieda to Petra's right, and Hanji to Frieda's right. I played poker when I was younger with my parents innocently but I was never a good player, my mom said I'm too easy to read. My palms start to get moist and I rub them on my jeans, I watch Frieda pass us each 2 cards and then she announces, 

"We're playing Texas Hold'em Strip Poker folks. The ante is everyone has to take off their shoes to begin with. You don't have to take off the more important clothing until you actually lose though." We start to take our shoes off and each take a swig of Hanji's god awful whiskey. Petra is barefooted now, she was wearing heels, and Frieda takes her sandals off.  

Levi mumbles something about, "Now its going to smell like feet." I slide my cards open and see I have a 3 and 4 of hearts, I could either get a flush or straight. 

Petra is to the left of the dealer so she's the small blind, she tells us to take off one accessory. The guys take watches or rings off, I take my  crappy watch off, and Petra takes her bracelet off. Levi taps the carpet signaling a check, the rest follow suit except for me. I smile and bet, 

"I  raise with socks or some kind of small clothing I guess." Mike takes one look at me, takes a sip of Hanji's whiskey, and folds. The rest call on my raise and go sockless, the barefoot girls take necklaces off.  We wait for Frieda to put down the flop. There's a 5 and 6 of hearts and a club ace. Holy shit, I could get a straight or flush so easily, I've got this cat in the backback. Or wait what's the saying, cat in the bag, whatever everything is fuzzy right now. 

Levi knocks his knuckles on the carpet signifying a passive check again, everyone copies him like last time except like the confident little shit I am I decide to raise. 

"I raise a shirt or jacket!" This is where Hanji folds and takes a sip of her whiskey, but the remaining of the group agree to strip if they lose. Frieda puts down the remaining 2 cards for The River and a 9 of hearts and an ace of diamonds appear. I got a flush of hearts and I'm definitely going to smoke everyone! As always everyone checks but me, I bet boldly as usual. 

"I raise with bottoms." I must be grinning like a mad man, but I don't care, I'll scare Petra off and Levi... Let's see if he believes me or not. Petra wavers and looks down at her cards, insecurity flashing in her eyes. Levi holds my gaze, I gulp but hold my stare, and he snorts and replies in a bored façade that doesn't match the glint of excitement in his eyes. 

"I call and raise you. Tops off."  

Petra looks at Levi, looks at me, and she laughs and shrugs. 

"What the hell, I call too." 

Frieda tells us to show our cards and we do. Everyone gasps when they see our pairs revealed, everyone but me. 

"I WIN!" I leap up and start dancing, although Petra had Three Of a Kind ace high, my flush is still of higher ranking. As for Levi, he had a straight since he had a 7 and 8 of diamonds, he just barely lost to me. 

 The song "Bad Wings: by Glitch mob begins to play, Petra shrieks in horror.  

"Ugh! I knew I should have folded, but I thought my aces would be enough. Plus, I thought Eren might have been bluffing but – poop. Guess a bet is a bet..." Petra takes off her fur jacket, her sparkly top, exposing a strapless white bra. She then slowly slides her skirt down, her silk white thong matching her bra, and everyone but Levi and I whistle and holler when she strips. She blushes a little, I try not to look at her to be polite, its weird seeing my former babysitter in her underwear. But I blush harder than she does now, not because of her current state but because of Levi starting to stand up and follow through on his word.  

"That wasn't a bad play..." The sultry thrilling melody playing goes all too well with the way his leather jacket slips off his shoulders, this time the girls all start squealing and cheering while Mike and I stay silent. I try not to watch him but its impossible, I revel in how he reaches back and pulls his plain black T-shirt off with only his right hand. The blue light glimmers on his pale tight physique, he almost doesn't even look human he's just so – beautiful? He unbuckles his studded punk belt and shimmies then kicks off his pants, I can't tell what color his boxer briefs are because of the lighting but I'd guess they are grey. Not that I'm paying that much attention to them, oh god Levi just caught me oggling, time to put my lost clothes back on since I'm victor. 

I peek back at him since he hasn't looked away and can see Levi tilt his head to the side, his eyes half hooded and dangerous. A shiver ripples through my stomach and neck when I hear his playful threat. 

"You're going to regret winning this round." 

A devilish smirk hints on his lips, after Petra is done he takes a hearty swig of Hanji's alcohol and wipes his wet mouth with the back of his hand. He mutters darkly, 

 

 

"So much for being a designated driver tonight." 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

**2:45 A.M.**

 

 

 

 

Dear god, do I regret winning that round. At this point we are all pretty much half-naked and shit-faced. I only have my boxers on. Petra has her fur jacket, bra, and pants on. Hanji has her cardigan, sports bra, and pineapple boxers on. Mike is shirtless put has his pants on. Levi is shirtless but has his leather jacket and pants on. Which makes me the most bare and blushing. 

"I'm boooored!" Hanji throws her cards up in the air like confetti, then falls onto the flat of her back and does a theatrical sigh. Just as soon as she lays down she whips up, with her index finger up in the air and a glint in her eyes. "LET'S PLAY HIDE AND SEEK!" Everyone except Levi and I love this idea, though him and I have different reasons. I'm sure Levi finds it childish or whatever, his rolling eyes giving him away. As for me, well, I'm only in my damn underpants and don't want the whole school seeing me running around like a pervert. 

Frieda points at me with a smirk on her face, 

"Since you’re a lil high-schooler, you're it! Count to 20 and don't open your eyes, we'll only hide here on the second floor. But there are still alotta' rooms so don’t get lost, kay?" I feel immediate relief knowing that we'll stick to the second floor, the excitement of the game is now free to thrill me now. I stand up and go to a corner, I'm a good sport so I intend to follow the rules completely, counting outloud loudly. The music erases all other sounds so I can't hear their footsteps to get a lead on where my new drunken seniors have stumbled to. 

When I reach the number 20 I spin around too fast and lose my sense of equilibrium for a moment, putting a hand on Frieda's cluttered desk, I regain my balance by staring at a Grateful Dead poster on her wall. I set off outside the bedroom, stray party lights in red and green fluctuate all over the elegant walls. Its only when I had to actually walk around do I realize I've drunken way way too much. I nearly crash into a thousand dollar vase and decided to play it safe and have a ever-present hand on a wall wherever I go.  

The first room I go into is some sort of computer room, many humungous thin screens and desks, I slowly bend down to check under all of them for a familiar face. No such luck. So I slowly make my way over to the next room, which seems to be a guest room by its chic-blandness. No photos or memorabilia that makes it seem like someone actually inhabits it, lavender/beige color scheme. I almost leave the Marie Antoinette like room until I hear a little giggle from a closet I had over-looked. When I open it, I come to terms with the fact that not only is this a walk-in closet, but that this closet is almost the size of my bedroom.  

There are a lot of boxes with seasonal decorations, I'm guessing they use this space more for storage purposes, and I look behind the boxes until I reach the very back to the Christmas box. I've been very quiet so I'm looking forward to the girl's shocked face, it sounds like Petra. When I dart to the side of the container to catch one of my seniors behind it, my jaw drops. 

Historia is making out with Ymir.  

Both girls nearly jump out of their skin as they scurry away from me, wiping their mouths in panic. Ymir calms down and tries to figure out a plan, her face twisted with annoyance. On the other hand there's Historia, who has already began to cry. 

"Oh god Eren, please don't tell anyone. If my parents ever found out they'd kill me. They'd Kill me." I put my hands up like I'm trying to calm down a spooked horse, I try to calm her down. 

"Hey hey, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I promise. Nothing to worry about, I'll give you guys some privacy now okay?" Historia doesn't looked convinced, but she's at least stopped crying. I continue to reassure her, "I honestly don't care, I won't say a word to anyone. Hope you have a nice night." She smiles softly, Ymir putting a hand on her waist and giving me a thankful serious stare. Then I fly out of there like a bat out of hell, tripping on my way out of the room.  

"Ouch." I grouse as I wobble back up and feel the sting of rug burn on my knees, hearing laughs from a bedroom at the end of the giant luxurious hallway. My hand drags along the wall, everything in my sight sways, the party lights further disorient me, paintings melt on the walls and then shift back to normal only to melt again. Am I dreaming? "You Wish You Were Red" by Trailer Trash Tracys now soaks everyone's eardrums in this marble labyrinth. 

I reach the end and find everyone on a ridiculously big bed, it must be king-sized. The sheets are all silk, there's a lacy black canopy over it, and it'd be completely dark except for the neon pink light that floods through the bedroom window. Yes, I must be dreaming, because if I wasn't dreaming then that'd mean that Mike is licking up Levi's neck and then getting his face pulled over to Petra's in a sloppy french kiss. The music makes the vision hypnotic, as if we were all were getting sucked into a spiral of youthful sins. I can't seem to move, I watch Petra nibble on Levi's ear while Mike inhales a cigarette and grabs Levi's face to breathe out the smoke into Levi's soft looking lips. Its only when I see Petra's hands start to fumble with Levi's zipper that I find my voice. 

"What the fuck?" I almost scream. When Levi sees my horrified expression he shoves both of them away, his face looking the most apologetic I've ever seen it. Mike and Petra snicker and continue to mess around with each other while Levi gets up to confront me and my fragile, nearly nauseous from all the crazy UFO shit going down, state. 

"Look, they're always dragging me into their stupid games. One moment we're trying to find a place to hide, then they want to play pin the tail on Levi and make me look like an ass aparently..." He's anxiously searching my eyes, for some reason I now feel unbelievably hurt and pissed. My face scrunches up and my voice is nothing but hostile,  

"Just do whatever the hell you want!" I swing the door open and start to run, my surroundings blur like watercolors, I hear him calling out to me but I can't hear the words. When I'm down the stairs and about to open the door I start to hear the bouts of laughter spring up. 

Fuck. That’s right, I'm nearly naked, screw it. At this point I don't give a flying dick about who sees me, I ignore the curious stares and chatter as I stomp down the driveway and down the road away from the white castle of madness. Now that there's no music, I can hear footsteps running after me. 

"I said to stop you shit head." Levi isn't even out of breath, like I am, when he seizes me by the elbow. The near autumn air is warm and so is his hand, unlike every other time in my life, right now I don't fear Levi. I'm not even sure if I know who this stranger is, is this promiscuous frivolent guy really my hero? I sneer at his never before seen concern and keep walking, unreasonable betrayal burning in my veins. 

"What, you've never heard of bisexuality? Are you disgusted with me or something? Spit it out." He's bisexual? Wait what? Well, I guess that explains the scene I just beheld, but I'd never be mad at him for something like that. Though that piece of information is surprising nonetheless. I shake my pounding head and hold it with both hands, as if my hands were keeping it from slipping off my neck. 

"No, that’s not it! I don't know! I just – I feel like I don't know anything about you. I didn't like seeing you like that. I don't know, my head hurts, I can barely see straight." I sit down in the middle of the road, the gibbous moon illuminates the forest surrounded path in an ivory glow. I pull my knees to my chest and sulk, staring down at my toes, seeing Levi crouch down next to me from the corner of my eye.  

"I didn't plan on drinking tonight, sorry to disappoint. I always mean well but fuck things up in the end." I stay silent, childishly waiting for him to make everything okay again. He continues talking, his tone detached and oddly defenseless. "Everyone has this grand idea of who I am at first, okay? They say the things I want to hear but can't believe. Then when they find out I'm just a shitty person who can't help but destroy everything he touches they have the guts to act like I was the one lying to them. People are always searching for others to 'save' them, so they shove through all the other suffering humans in this vain quest for a sick dream they pieced together in their heads." 

I blink a couple times before I can turn to see Levi, sitting just as I am now, with his lips now tucked behind his knees. His gaze stretches far beyond the path before us, overlooking our sleeping town lit up by the night sky. It all looks staged, as if a spotlight were above it and we are all just actors lost without a script. This was what I wanted, right? To get to know him, not what I thought was him, but what he truly is. He isn't some super human I can tailor to my liking, but rather, he's a lonely guy who seems almost as lost as I am. How funny, to assume someone is strong because they don't show their feelings. Isn't hiding them a bigger sign of how vulnerable one is? 

I feel a fear swarm in me, realizing this will be a moment I will always remember, knowing that what I say next will be pivotal in whether I get to get closer to this person or push them out of my reach. I lick my lips and lean forward onto my knees towards him,  

"I'm sorry. All this time I've been trying to picture what you're like from a distance. But I hate those kinds of people, those who just use others as pieces to fill the holes they have in their hearts." My newfound inebriated enthusiasm gives me a confidence boost as I rest my hand on his shoulder, his eyes widening and focusing on my own. I go on,  

"How about I save you then?" 

Our faces are close, I see the dark grey petals in his irises and the blue blossoming in the middle of them. His sharp and fine features so vivid at this distance, his lips slightly chapped and pale. I catch him scanning my features and stopping at my lips as well. Although the faint sound of wild music hums behind us, the sound of our rushed breaths is nearly deafening. His gulp is audible, Levi gets up and wipes his jeans and mumbles. 

"Your breath smells like cherries and whiskey." 

I take a moment to keep my lungs from popping in my chest, finding enough composure I stand up to join him as he starts to walk back to the mansion. What _was_ that? My mind races to think of what I should say, before I can come up with something he brings up a suggestion. 

"Frieda has this guest house behind the Reiss estate, we can crash over there." 

We can crash over there? We? 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Reiss guest house is the same size of the first floor of my own house. Its basically a mini version of the main Reiss residence, but dim and now lit up by regal lanterns Levi clicks on so we look like characters in some Jane Austen novel. He says he doesn't want to turn the main lights on or else the other "teenage turds" will see the guest house and ruin everything. We find the bedroom and its another god damn King sized bed, at this point I suspect Historia to be secret royalty or something.I find myself tilting towards the window, tilting because my legs are made of slinkies at this point, that faces the main house. I watch kids dancing in the living room and kids helping their friend who is vomiting on the lawn and passing out with her face in the grass. I notice Connie and Sasha hooking up on the roof and decide to look away at this point, I do not question why Connie is wearing a dress or why Sasha is wearing a tuxedo it seems? 

Only one lantern at the door is on, the fire's shadows flickers around the room in a bronze gleam. I notice Levi has taken his leather jacket off, pants, and is slipping off his shoes and socks. I gawk at him while he fishes through victorian-esque drawers and finds an old navy-blue striped T-shirt that he slips on, which calms me down a bit. He throws me a plain red T-shirt and I tug it over my head, watching Levi tuck himself into the fluffy bed and he reminds me of a cat. 

I timidly open up the other side of the bed, a huge space between us. Amongst the sound of muffled gleeful shouts, gentle echoes of electronic beats and my heart that won't shut up, somehow the silence between him and I is louder. I'm relieved when he holds his breath as if to hesitate before he says something, I wait eagerly for what's next. 

"If you have to piss or shit the bathroom's next door, just a FYI." My expectations for the profoundness of what he would say makes me start dying with laughter, which startles Levi into turning my direction and giving me a bewildered look. His face makes my eyes wet, my ribs hurt, and Levi inches towards me close enough to shake me by the shoulder. 

"Do I have a dick drawn on my face? Why the hell are you laughing so hard?" Having Levi this close to me while we are alone in some stranger's bed makes me quiet down. I still giggle and stare him in the eyes, alcohol clearly affecting my judgment when I poke at his cheek nodding. He puts a palm to his temple and shakes his head,  

"Liar. God, I'm gonna have to carry you home tomorrow aren't I? Guess we won't get any practice done." When he mentions bringing me home, everything dulls for a moment, my soul withering with the thought of having to go to that ghost home. Levi notices my change in demeanor and rubs my shoulder to get me to return back to his gaze, is he being this nice just because I'm intoxicated? He kind of whispers,  

"Hey, what is it?" I shrug and let my head fall back onto the pillow more, his eyes are momentarily black then blue whenever the lantern-light flickers over them.. I warily respond as I fiddle with a thread sticking out of my pillow-case. 

"I hate being home." He waits for me to continue, he takes his hand off my shoulder and somehow that makes me feel even worse. I don't know why but I start to tear up a little, my emotions feel groggy and intensified, but I explain myself. "It feels so empty. Like my dad and I are just stuck in this museum where my mom once existed but she's gone and we're just frozen in time and I feel like I can't breathe in there. Its not like we can even talk about it because whenever I bring it up it looks like my dad is just going to shatter into a thousand pieces. What the hell, you know? Who am I supposed to talk to about that?" I go mute when I realize I just drenched Levi in the stifling horrid thoughts that have been tormenting me all of these years. I even cover my mouth in shame, now shifting my attention to the stripes on his shirt. 

"Don't you go to a counselor or something though? Mikasa said that’s where you guys go during lunch." My hand goes down to pull at the yarn again and I realize that that’s true, he must think I'm being dramatic. I muster some bravery and check his expression, I don't want him to yell at me, but there's nothing but sincere concern straining his features. 

"Its different, with him its more like homework about myself that I need to answer and turn in. Mr. Dawk is amazing and has helped me through so much but I just want – just want -" My voice starts to shudder and I don't even know what I want, I start to feel my chest cave in with anxiety. Its only when I feel his hand pet my messy head of hair that I start to inflate and become functional again. 

"You want a real connection. Someone you can run to  in the middle of the night when you can't sleep." How could he know how I felt when I couldn't even say it? I nod once slightly, a single tear escaping down my cheek only to be caught by Levi's thumb. He sighs and lays on his back, continuing, 

"Losing my mom was like losing my safe place. I never met my dad so I can't understand you exactly, but losing someone who was supposed to always be there to protect - just leaves you feeling scared shitless at times.You know, it might just be that your Dad is scared too, she might have been his only safe place." It took some time to fathom everything he said, learning that Levi had been through so much pain, learning something that personal about Levi at all, and what he said about my dad. Its hard to remind myself that my dad is also a person, not just my parent, but a man who had lost the love of his life far too young. Suddenly the contempt for my dad turns to guilt, images of him sleeping on the couch appear in my head. Was he sleeping there because the absence in his room was too overwhelming? 

"Yeah," I sniff and then go on, "you're right. I'm sorry Levi, it hurts doesn't it? I'm sorry you can understand how I'm feeling but at the same time... I can't help but feel happy." I dryly laugh with watery eyes and Levi looks at me from the corner of his eye for a while. He shifts a little to turn towards me, his hand tentatively rises to pet my hair again, but its not the sort of reassuring big brother pet this time. Its smoother and trails down to my cheek, his thumb drying leftover tears, and then down to my chin. His brow pinches just a bit, confused but entranced, and I start breathing faster.  

He lets go abruptly and turns over in bed so he faces away from me, I hear him lick his lips and sigh out shakily before he announces, 

"We should go to sleep, I need some rest before I have to take care of the hangover you'll probably have in the morning." Well, I shouldn't have expected us to talk like this forever, but I'm thankful I could have some rare glimpses into who he really is. Also, for him to be able to see who I am, I'm not sure why that’s important as well. I reply sleepily as I bury my head into my pillow and get snuggled in the blankets, 

"Its weird that we've only really talked till now." But Levi says nothing. Which is somewhat disheartening, considering everything that just happened... but I should be happy with what I've got at the moment. As I start to fade into a swirling black unconscious, I hear Levi hum out something simple. 

 

 

 

"Mhm." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that the boys have finally opened up a little to each other, how will that change their relationship? And what will be the aftermath of such an eventful party?~ Let me know what you guys think


	9. Sensitive Wrists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd post a chapter this winter break right??? Oh man, thank you for your patience. I'll try not to take so long okay?~ Thanks for reading ^^

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't get a hangover, but I also woke up at 1 P.M. So I'm thinking I slept through it or something. The room looks completely different, pale blue light streams from outside, the curtains are closed and block the light with their pastel cloth. I smack my lips a couple of times and wish I had a toothbrush and toothpaste on me, then make a couple hard blinks and look to my side.   

He isn't there.  

I comb my hair with my fingers, my hair is messy naturally but my bedhead rivals the chaos of a tumble-weed. I get up and sort of half-ass make the side of my bed, it seems as if Levi had completely vanished his side of the mattress is so immaculate. I check my flip-phone and I have a bunch of missed calls and unread texts, but before I can answer any of it I see ancient blocky letters appear, 

 

" **MIMI CALLING...** " 

 

I answer my phone and Mikasa immediately starts reprimanding me as soon as I accept her call. 

"Eren, you could have at least sent me a text. I was worried sick. At least Levi told me where you were so I didn't have to search for you all morning. Since you've answered the phone finally, meet Armin and I at the car. I've been taking care of him, after he finished puking he felt a little better. I'll make him some stew when we get home. So make sure to hurry so we can get back quickly." As always she's the mom of our group, so I get my lazy ass out of this guest house and start walking to the car.  

I have no idea how Historia is going to clean everything. I mean seriously, it looked like a tornado just missed her house. Partying debris encases all of the castle's surroundings, I almost stepped on a condom wrapper, the ripped wrapper says its watermelon flavored and I wish I never knew that. I finally get down the street to Armin's car, I see the back of their heads blonde and black. Armin has his hair tied back in a ponytail, his bangs lay limp like hay on the sides of his face, a face wet from sickly perspiration. I pat him lightly on the shoulder and he gives me a weak smile while jangling his keys around his index finger, 

"Let's get to Mikasa's before I become the Creature From The Black Lagoon." Mikasa gives him a tiny grin and gives me a strangely judgemental look that wrinkles her nose a bit. When we get in the car is when she starts asking the questions, I can feel her dark eyes on the back of my neck as I ride shotgun.  

"Why did you just disappear the whole night with the college kids? And why on earth were you sleeping at the guest house? Did my brother sleep there too?" I realize just how weird that all sounds, that somehow I Eren Jaeger hung out with the older popular crowd that seem to shadow over our small town even today. That I Eren Jaeger slept in the same bed as Levi Ackerman. Oh god, now I'm remembering all the things I witnessed, the way Levi touched my face, how can so much happen in one night? 

My face starts to oven-up and I clear my throat a little so I don't reveal the nerves in my voice, at least from here she can't see my expression. Armin glances over at me and gives me a questioning brow, I try to explain most of the insanity that occurred to me without revealing too much. 

"I uh – I played poker with them." I leave out the whole stripping ordeal out of it. "Then they wanted to play hide and seek so I was chosen to be 'it' so I had to find everyone..." Lord, did I find everyone and what they were doing. Holy shit, how am I gonna face Historia in class tomorrow? I continue hesitantly, "Then I got really dizzy so Levi took me to the guest house in the back and made sure I was okay. The bed was really really big so it wasn't like a huge deal or anything..." I hear all of the air in the car suck up into both Armin and Mikasa's throats. Mikasa doesn't leave a millisecond to silence and goes off, 

"You two slept in the same bed? Aren't you guys a little close lately? Have you and my brother become best friends ever since this training thing? It would have been nice if you spent at least some of the night with me – with us too." Mikasa is sounding kind of weird, she's usually at my neck about my homework or me getting into brawls but she's cold and in control about those matters. Whereas now she seems a little heated, enough so that I turn around in my seat and look at her sour face and try to apologize. 

"Hey hey, I'm sorry I didn't text or anything. I don't know, I was swept away by the moment and they all got me really drunk so I wasn't thinking straight. Isn't it kind of nice that I'm finally getting along with your brother now though? He's really taken me under his wing with football and when I couldn't handle my liquor last night. So don't be so mad, you're acting kind of weird." I mean Mikasa is my best friend and all but its not fair for her to just get so jealous about who I'm hanging out with. Especially if it was just for one crazy night, jeez. 

She nods once very slowly, its unsettling so I turn back around and look forward to just going home and taking a shower. I don't think I'll ever drink again. Armin's headache is too painful for him to listen to any music, so the car ride home is loud with hidden thoughts and confusion. 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 **Monday**  

 

When I walk into my first class of the day, which happens to be History with the sadist Mr. Pixis, I hear low whispers and Jean starts whistling at me. I roll my eyes and set my backpack down, Jean leans over and rests his knuckles under his chin as he smirks at me. His annoying voice begins to churn out, 

"Word on the street is that you ran out of Historia's party in your underwear and The Levi Ackerman chased after you... Is it true then?" My heart nearly drops out of my ass, the spit dries at my lips, I feel a panic needle prick all over my body. Historia isn't good at hiding her interest in what I have to say about the party, her whole body is turned towards us, when I glance at her in my cold terror her eyebrows are raised at what Jean said. I can't let anyone gossip about Levi, especially if its this prick. I lick my lips and scoff,  

"Is what true? That Historia's older sister likes to play strip poker with her friends?" I hate giving him the juicy detail that I even withheld from Mikasa, but what he might have been insinuating about my relationship with Levi was even more scandalous. Small town gossip is vicious and plus, even I don't really know what's going on between my idol and I. Anything intimate is probably my overzealous imagination... Jean's jaw drops and his eyes glimmer at the exciting information I just leaked, what surprises me though is when Historia joins our conversation. 

"I never knew Eren was such a wild partier, I had a fun time in the closet with you last night." The normally meek and blushing Historia utters these suggestive things and lightly slaps my shoulder, which has both Jean and I dumb-struck. Why the fuck would she say that? Now the entire school, shit, especially my entire team, will never let me live this down. Why would she imply that we have some sort of romance going on if she's dating Ymir? I mean I know she wants it a secret but – I have no idea what's going on. I immediately try to tone down what she just uttered with, 

"You're so silly Historia, yeah hide and seek was really funny. You must have had a lot to drink!" But the damage has been done, Jean has an insidious grin traveling up the sides of his face. I give Historia a bewildered expression that shows how confused I am with her, with a nervous pursing of the lips she tears a piece of paper out of her pastel pink notebook and hands me a note. Mr. Pixis begins to turn on his Power Point and begins his boring lesson, I open up the note and it reads:

 

 _Meet me after school behind the bleachers._  

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 **After School**  

 

 

 

There's this hollow spot behind the bleachers kids like to sneak into so they can smoke and graffiti and pretty much any other vice you can think of. I don't want to be late to practice so I get there as soon as possible, I had lunch with my psychiatrist since it was Monday, so I avoided most of the hazing of gossip. I know the moment I step into the locker-room its gonna be a shit show, ugh. I lean my back against a cement wall that has the word "fuck" written in swirly purple letters and I can't help but agree with the sentiment. Historia runs in 5 minutes after my arrival a little out of breath, I raise both my hands palms up signifying why-did-you-do-this. She's slightly frantic, its weird seeing a Barbie doll girl look so unhappy. 

"I'm so sorry. I panicked. I just saw the opportunity and acted on impulse! I mean, this is good for you too right? The school was going to think you and Levi Ackerman were having some sort of sexy rendezvous, so I was just helping you out right? We could help each other!" Her eyes are flickering into my own with a twitchy smile desperate for my approval. For the briefest moment I consider accepting her lie, but I can't and it doesn't feel right. Even if I want to keep Levi from being uncomfortable and maybe even help out Historia, this isn't who I am.  

"Why is it so important to you that no one finds out about you two?" My voice comes out harsher than I mean to, but I've never been good at holding my feelings back either. Her pupils shrink but then ooze out big as she looks down and fails to hide the despair weighing down her face. Her voice is thin, 

"I'm supposed to be the favorite child. The perfect child. Have you seen my sister? She's a total mess, pot-head with no ambition. Now its like I'm the one who is supposed to carry the Reiss name, succeed my family's company when im done graduating both high school and university with honors and straight A's. This isn't like in the T.V. shows where the parents are open-minded and they love you no matter what. My parent's love is conditional. They are devout Christians, the kinds where homosexuality is a sin, and of course they were cursed with a homo child despite their incessant Sunday church visits. It’s a joke right? It even makes me laugh, so cliché. Maybe its God's way of punishing parent's prejudice, you know, if there is a God." She's rambling at this point with wide terrified eyes, pushing her blonde bangs back with a tight handed grip and a trembling smile. She looks real. 

"Your life isn't about your parents. Its about you. That’s why its your life. It must be really hard dealing with all of that pressure, you're just a kid. Are you just going to keep smiling when you're unhappy for the rest of your life? That’s stupid. Have the guts to leave it all, have the guts to be who you are. Isn't it tiring being a puppet to other people's wishes? Don't you want to be human?" Again, I really could have been softer about what I said, but I have poor impulse control. When I say _human_ her jaw hangs as she takes a sharp inhale of breath, her eyes watering with a look that craves relief. She turns around and gathers herself, she rests a hand on the wall. I strain to hear her whisper out, 

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm a coward... but haven't you ever wanted someone's approval, even when they don't even want who you really are? Nevermind. I'm sorry I got you involved with what will undoubtedly be drama. You know, that honesty of yours makes you a good friend. I'd like to be friends, if you don't hate me now." She looks over her shoulder with a calm grin, her eyes darker and hope fading.  

"It was a shitty thing to do but, I get it I guess. We could be friends, just don't act fake around me. Its creepy." She starts laughing this raspy true laugh, she starts to walk away and doesn't look back when she answers. 

"Okay then, I'll try to clean up after the shit I threw into the fan. Thank you, Eren." I don't think I've ever heard her cuss, wow. So strange that people can be so many people at once with the same face. I realize I'm going to be late to practice and run out and then around a couple corners to go into the locker room. The moment I enter my entire team starts cheering and taunting me, I hear Historia's name and a litany of different sex phrases. Reiner is distressed, he grabs me by the shoulder and shakes me with shocked brown eyes asking me a thousand questions at once. 

"IS IT TRUE THAT YOU AND HISTORIA HOOKED UP? DUDE, IS IT TRUE THAT IT WAS BECAUSE YOU FOUND HER PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK AND YOU TWO BANGED IN HER BEDROOM? YOU SEDUCED HER RIGHT? SHE JUST LOOKS SO PURE AND-" I have to interrupt him because his breath smells like stale pizza the school cafeteria serves and I seriously need to stop these evolving rumors. I shake my head and sigh, 

"We didn't hook up, I just played drunk Hide and Seek with her, her sister, and her sister's friends. You can still ask her to Prom and everything, I promise there's nothing going on between us." I give him an awkward pat on the shoulder and he raises his fists in the air in joyous discovery that his 'dream girl' might still be attainable. We all get suited up for the field and I get a couple more questions but I try to act bored with them so that they stop asking. I mean, it doesn't stop them from talking behind my back but I can only do so much.  

We do our regular drills: push ups, lunges, squats, specialized sit ups, shuffling, and our own stances. We all sizzle on the drooping grass, paving our cleats into the ground, excreting all the water in our bodies through sweat. When we start playing against each other, I can tell that my teammates are not staring at me anymore because of silly gossip but because of my newfound abilities. Although I'm pissed at Jean I start to focus more on my team's objective and helping Connie out. My speed and accuracy throws my teammates off and they start watching me, I feel pride start to bubble up. But the moment I feel that pride its gone, I'm suddenly making out with the dirt beneath me and I'm thankful I have my mouthguard in. I need to keep my focus. 

We are about to start another drill but I hear a familiar metallic crooning in the distance, I was panting from practice but now I find myself holding one long breath. Marco, being the cool guy that he is, looks over at me just as the others do and marvels. 

"Man, you're so lucky." 

I glance at Coach Smith and he gives me a thumbs-up, so I take the permission and make sure to grab my belongings to set off towards Levi. I whip my hair around like a wet dog, trying to air dry so that Levi doesn't get too grossed out. Oddly, when I nervously stand in front of him sitting on his motorcycle, he doesn't berate my appearance like usual. He just grunts out a "Well? Hurry up already", and pats the space behind him. Something has changed between us, and the intimidation I once felt has shifted to something else. I cautiously sit behind him and when I carefully slip my arms around him I feel his whole body tense up, I expect him to say something but he doesn't say a word. He revs the engine and we begin to soar across pavement, I revel in the way I can hold onto him tightly. I shut my eyes tight and enjoy the closeness only allowed when we fly. Feeling the threads of his wings against my cheek, feeling a heat that burns from the inside and not from the sun looking down at us. 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

His legs go blurry as they zip by me, I leap towards him and try to take him down through the core of his body but the anticipation of touch wells up and at the moment of impact I lose all momentum and go limp. This allows him to slip through me like wet soap, I hear him curse under his breath and throw his hands up in severe annoyance. I lean down and hold my knees to collect myself, when I look back up he's back in front of me and shaking the football up at me.  

 

"What's with you today? Your speed and technique aren't bad until you actually have to do your damn duty and tackle me. Grow some balls and hit me with everything you got like last time." Levi grits his teeth at me, annoyed at my sudden lack of competency. But everytime I think about my body touching his I go weak. A sudden fear grips me. What if he changes his mind and doesn't want to coach me anymore if he thinks I've lost all that I've gained? When I buzz my feet and he begins to dash past me I use all of my desperate being to rocket launch myself into him and take him to the ground. He makes a grunt as our bodies skid across the grass, the collision of our bodies shakes the whole world around and it takes me a minute to balance my vision out. I try to figure out where on Levi's body I am, but I already know by the pounding of a heartbeat against my cheek. I hear him clear his throat, his voice gruff, 

"That's more like it, at first I thought you were just a newborn giraffe pretending to play football." A scratchy chuckle slips out of me, I gently push myself up and with a sharp intake of breath realize I have Levi pinned beneath me. A blade of grass from my hair gently falls down onto his glistening cheek, my eyes direct themselves at his petite dry lips and notice the slight cupid's bow of their shape. His voice is now more cautious and calm, 

"Hello...?" 

 I'm suddenly very aware of my breaths now, our breaths, which are starting to go from rushed to slow and heavy. My gaze redirects to his eyes, which I find staring down at my lips, and reaching my own stare now. His brow furrows and suddenly his eyes get steady and steely piercing through me, I feel a hot shiver run through my body. Out of nowhere his hands are suddenly digging into my waist and my equilibrium is thrown off again, except this time its me who is pinned down and I stare up at deep blue. My voice is almost unrecognizable to myself, high pitched and rough as I say his name like it was the only guilty explanation for the strange way I was acting. 

"Levi..."  

I become hyper aware of the way his hands feel as they are tightly gripping at my sensitive wrists and the short distance between our burning bodies, our flushed faces. A struggle makes itself evident on his sharp features, lips twitching at the different things to say, eyes flickering with internal conflict. My eyes can't help but keep glancing at his lips, finally my mind starts to catch up with my body and all I can think of is how badly I want his lips on mine. The fiery eye of the sun hones its attention on us, I smell the sweet strong lemon scent of his skin emanating off of him. My body aches, my mind aches, I ache for him. His voice is now oddly gentle and I feel his grip loosening against my now squirming body, 

"This needs to stop." Although the words are harsh his tone isn't at all, fragile like the hiding blue in those eyes. He makes me so weak but at this moment a glint of my usual courage gives me enough strength to softly plead, 

 

 

 

"Don't stop." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Star White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience as always, I hope you're having a nice day or night~
> 
>  
> 
> I'm dedicating this chapter to Ekirl (his tumblr url) Thanks for being by my side kid. Also, you're a dork

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His eyes start to close and I feel his soft sweet breath intermingle with my own, I begin to close my eyes and for a moment I think time really has stopped. Including my heart beat. But then all of my senses feel a gust of absence. His scent is gone, his breaths, his touch, and I open my eyes again and see him walking away as I remain stunned on the ground. I get up on my elbows and he doesn't even look back at me when he opens the sliding door and doesn’t even bother to properly slide it shut. All of the giddy joy, all of the excitement, that was taking me on such a high – has now soiled into battery acid. The low after such a high drops through my stomach, nausea sets in and the once friendly blue sky is now an overwhelming ceiling slowly collapsing down onto me and everything. 

Once the horrible realization that I've been completely rejected sets in, the denial surges my body up and forward and before I know it I'm darting into the house with my dirty sneakers still on. I don't care that I'm leaving a trail of dirt and loose grass, I run up to Levi's room and barge in with wild eyes and my lungs start to squeeze up my throat when I realize he's not there. I hear the wail of metal I know so well and my panic goes into sheer hysteria, I look out the window and see Levi speed off but not in his usual leather jacket but in an unfitting loose athletic attire. My fingers slide down the window and I feel my confusion and grief quake my body, and no, no Mikasa can't find me in this grave state. I need to get the fuck out of here before I have to answer questions I don't have the answers to. Or maybe I have the answers but they are too fucking horrible to recognize. 

I don't bother cleaning up after myself, I don't give a damn, and I quickly grab my gear and backpack and nearly sprint home. When I run up my stairs I briefly hear my Dad ask something, but I don't care about whatever zombie-parent question he's asked me, I care about slamming my door and my vision not going red – but black. Before I know it I've punched a whole through my wall and my knuckles bleed and I can smell that familiar iron smell of blood, and I don’t even feel the pain in my fists. I'm scared. Not because of the self destruction, not even because of the blood ( which all don’t bother me anymore), I'm scared because I can't even feel the wounds now dribbling scarlet down my wrist. I can only feel the god awful agony impaling through my chest. The mental anguish has numbed all else and even though it would seem that I've lost all control, it really just feels like I'm trapped in a crimson cycle of crooked fate.  

 When my Dad walks in with a terrible mask of concern, I just cover my face with my wet red hand and start sobbing and sobbing. He tries to pat my back to show support but instead of being grateful I spit out, 

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!" And both my hands cover my snot and tear ridden face, and I limp over to my bed and smother myself with a pillow. My Dad doesn't say anything for a while, but then he softly mutters, 

"I'll be downstairs if you need me." He gently shuts the door and I'm left in my own mess alone in my room. I sniffle and my humid clogged breaths cough out a couple more whimpers, but then I hoarsely whisper to myself, 

 

 

"Leave me alone like always." 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

There comes a point with hopelessness where you just sleep. Not even really because you want to, but because being awake, remembering, can be too heavy a burden. I must have slept around 6 P.M. and because of the abnormal earliness at which I slept, I wake up at 2 A.M. My stiff body creaks into awareness, my rigid eyes blinking and staring at my rocket-ship patterned bed sheets and the memory of what happened today surfaces like a dead body out of water. There's dried flakes of blood on my bed sheets. It is only now that I feel the dull pulses of pain in my knuckles, and I sit up and stare at nothing in particular. 

I have feelings for him. Life is ending as I know it. 

It seemed like he felt the same way though. It really did. At least it seemed like he felt _something._ The paranoia slithers into my thoughts, maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Maybe this whole time he was just taking me under his wing, he was just being a good person, I'm just a pathetic guy he took pity on. I get out of bed and walk to my window, the lights in the Ackerman household are usually all off by now, but tonight there is one light beckoning out like a lighthouse in this shadowed sea of a neighborhood. Its Levi's room shining. I'm so close to my window the glass fogs with my every exhale as I watch. He's sitting up in bed in that mysterious blouse but he isn’t holding the picture he usually does before he sleeps. He's holding his knees.  

It was strange to see him looking anything but powerful. It was strange to see his larger than life image shrunk into an insecure childish pose. It was strange to see him look human. Like he could be hurt.  

So alone.  

I start to change into a new set of clothes, flannel grey green pajamas, and I slip my feet into easy-to-get-into sneakers and creep down the stairs in the dark. I can hear my dad's snores echo throughout our creaking wooden house as he sleeps on the couch, and I shut the front door behind me softly. I remember how I treated him when he was just trying to be a good parent, and I feel a twinge of regret flutter in me like an unwelcome moth. Its weird walking out in your neighborhood in the middle of the night. As if everyday is just a play and the sun and clouds are just curtains drawn, we the people just actors performing another day. Nighttime seems more honest, reflecting how quiet and lonely the world can feel. The stars glittering above encourage me on softly with words I can't hear or words I probably couldn’t understand. 

Why am I sneaking out? My legs had moved on their own, and as I face the great big silver birch tree that sits in front of the Ackerman house I watch my hands also go off on their own accord to climb up the branches. I saddle myself on a thick branch that leads over to Levi's room and sort of crawl over to the window. I hear music now humming through the walls, and it feels surreal sitting outside his window, this time my breath fogging at his glass. I recognize the song, its "Too late" by M83 and I hope that I myself am not too late. I hope blindly and move blindly, knowing something must be done and something must be said. 

This is how I've always seen him, through the glass, through a window, only able to see but never grasp. The white blouse is thin and clings to his strong frame, but I can't help but see him look just like an angel. The way the bedside lamp modestly emits a white light that hues everything into an ethereal glow. His black bangs hang over an empty expression on his face, I can't see his lips, his nose rests over his arms that are still clutching at his knees. His eyes hide behind his crow dark hair, I gulp dryly and try to fight through my nerves and the many invading thoughts of how crazy I am right now. I knock on his window and I swear to god Levi pops out of his ball-like pose like a firework and his eyes are the widest I've ever seen them he's so startled. Not that I can blame him, I start to quiver in the anxiety of giving into wild impulse, but I stay strong and keep my steady gaze on him as he runs up to his window wearing an absolutely livid scowl. He whisper growls at me fierce and fast, 

"What the fucking hell are you doing?" His voice is slightly blurred because he says this from behind the window, and I rest my hand on the glass and stubbornly reply. 

"I don't know but things aren't right and you can't run away forever. I don't want to face tomorrow without knowing if you'll be there." And I feel my face burn with such an embarrassingly romantic proclamation, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I was just trying to be true. I've never been good at lying, I've been so clueless this whole time but now that I know how I feel I won't and can't live with denial. I need to know what he's thinking, what he's feeling, or at least I've got to try. I stare at him not with pleading eyes but also with eyes that burn with a decision made. He must know I won't back down because I don't hear a sigh but I watch his sigh crescendo up and down through his chest. He tucks a stray bang behind his ear and looks up and mutters something that looks a lot like "fuck." 

He opens his window slowly, I'm not sure if its because he wants to be quiet or if he's unsure if he should open his window at all. Maybe its both. He steps back and walks towards his bed running his hands through his hair and linking his fingers behind his neck, this time I can hear the big sigh rumbling through him. I shut the window behind me and lick my lips because they've gone stone dry, I might have come off as incredibly confident but now being in this special space and with him – I can't think of a single thing to say. Especially considering Levi is wearing tight black boxer briefs that definitely erase any coherence I had a chance at having. He starts to turn around and I make sure my eyes are facing upwards, and he stares me down like I've just stepped into a wolf's den.  

"I'm not who you think I am." His small smile is bitter, his voice thin and low. A deep melancholy sweeps over his features the way clouds reveal the scars of the moon. I approach him steadily and take my time, he doesn't step away. I grin nervously, 

"Well everyone in town thinks you're Levi Ackerman, star football player and an inspiration to all the kids in town. You're the older brother of my best friend and I've never really known who you really are up until now. You act like you don't care about anything but you actually do a lot of kind things that contradict that y'know? Like um helping me with football and stuff..." I kind of wince at my lack of conviction, because staring straight into the guarded black of Levi's eyes and Levi's deepening frown has drained the courage from my bones. He takes one sharp step forward and bares his teeth as his resentment spills out of him, 

 "Don't you understand? I don't give a shit about football. Its just a bunch of stupid boys diddling around with a ball. I never wanted to play but I had to because I didn't want to take anymore money from my adopted family than I already have. I needed that scholarship. You're still just a fucking kid, you think this game means anything? Life is fucking cruel and ugly and you are still in this nice little fucking bubble with this gingerbread house neighborhood and you believe this silly sport has any importance other than being something you can bleed out your rage with? You know what it means to hurt, that’s why you've never fit in with any of those other pacifier suckers you go to school with. Because you don't give a shit about the formulas or how to write a god damn thesis or if you're not invited to some dickhead's party because its all meaningless.   

I know you lost someone. You lost your mother. Everyone knows in this suffocating little town. You saw it happen, didn't you? You know what true horror is and how it leaves a bullet in your chest you're supposed to breathe with for the rest of your life. You know what it means to lose someone so close to you it leaves a permanent absence that makes you feel like you're missing a fucking limb. So don't screw with me kid, don't pretend now like I'm some big disappointment for never liking some dumb ass sport." When he finishes he lets out another sigh through his nose with pinched lips and black eyes that can see through me, eyes that could probably see my bones through my skin. Everything he just said is a punch to the stomach, my whole body has tensed up and prickles with unpleasant adrenaline. But I can take a hit. I won't let this end just yet. I talk back and its all I can do to keep from yelling and waking Mikasa up next door, 

"Well maybe it doesn't mean anything to you, but football means everything to me! Yes I do fucking know what pain is! This stupid sport is the only thing that makes me feel close to my mom anymore, she didn't want me to play at first but then she saw me on the field and from then on she never stopped supporting me." My voice cracks towards the end of my sentence. The dug out memories burn me but I keep going, "It’s the only good thing I know of that can get rid of the anger that’s been killing me ever since I can remember! It’s the only thing that ever made my mother proud of me! Maybe it isn't a realistic future playing this _silly_ game, but its all I have. _I don't know what else to do_...!" I clutch at my face now and I can't hold off the sob that bursts out of me. Levi hurries to speak again, 

"Hey hey, calm down alright, I shouldn't have said those things..."A gentle look on his face appears, his voice deep, soothing, silk-like. He takes another step forward and we are both standing just outside the full brightness of the bed-side lamp, the way the light shines behind him makes Levi look like a dream. He rests a timid hand on my shoulder, and his touch feels so calming, I've missed it. He's quiet as he continues, "I'm sure your mom was very proud of you not just for football Eren, you know that.  And...  well... I'm just frustrated with always having people wanting me to be somebody I'm not, but then again I don't want anyone seeing who I really am." I catch my breath and start to regain my composure, I let go off my face and hold the hand he has rested on my shoulder. My smile is so subdued that I'm not sure I even am smiling, but there is pain behind my eyes when I admit to Levi,  

"I could never be disappointed with you. All of these years I've looked up to you and I've finally reached you. You're so much different than I imagined but it was never a let down discovering who you really are! If anything, I feel like I've disappointed you. I'm just another piece of shit teenager that has no idea what they are going to do with their life." I feel too ashamed to keep looking into his softening dark-blue gaze, I drop my hand from his and look down at the pattern of his bedroom rug. From the corner of my vision I can see Levi smirk, he turns and takes a seat on his bed and pats the space besides him inviting me to sit besides him. I join his side fretfully, I pick at the forming scab on my knuckles as I wait in anticipation. His voice just above a whisper, wistful, 

"You don't have to know what you're doing right now. Your twenties are a time when you get to find out who you are, kid. For the record, I'm not disappointed in you. You've done pretty good, okay? And hey Eren... What makes you think you know who I am anyhow?" We both haven't looked at each other once since we've sat on his bed, I look up at his radio and the song "Cherry" by Chromatics begins to play. Levi crosses his arms, his lips purse just slightly as he waits. I take a brave inhale of air and let out my thoughts, 

"I think you're lonely but you're too proud to let anyone close enough to know that. Because you know the closer you are with someone the bigger the hole they leave behind. I think you only live in the present because the future scares you like it scares me. That you cling to control like it’s a safety net because it keeps you from falling into a place within yourself you never want to see again. I think you're brave because you've experienced the worst and have lived through it nonetheless. I think you push people away because you're still hurting, because each day is exhausting enough carrying the weight of yesterday. And above all else... I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever met." The end of my sentence ends in an almost inaudible gasp. 

 I meet his stare shyly, Levi's eyes are wide and his lips have slightly parted. His chest doesn't even move with a single breath. But then he looks away and one dry cough of a laugh escapes him and he stands up abruptly. He talks so leisurely now, it was as if we were talking about the weather, 

"I want to show you something. Be quiet, okay?" Then Levi opens his window, and leans out and grabs a hold of the tree. He looks back at me with what could be mistaken as an annoyed expression, but instead I know him well enough now to know it’s only a look of impatience. Maybe, even excitement. This sudden change of events has me so confused but I nod once and get up to follow him. We climb up the tree and I follow Levi all the way up, he steps onto the grey roof and lays on his back. I copy Levi and feel the gravel-like surface slightly scratch at my back through my flannel shirt, I can tell I'll probably get tiny rocks stuck in my messy hair when the time comes for me to get back up. I lay my hands down at my sides and I sneak a peek at Levi's face and honestly... He looks like he belongs in the sky, his skin pearl white, radiating and unearthly. Untouchable.   

The night sky from up here is breathtaking, limitless, and the stars say their diamond words in an infinite chorus of sweet silence.  Its the first time in a long time peace lifts the heaviness in my chest, from my fists, from my mind, in a feather soft feeling. As if not wanting to interrupt the stars from shining their song, he murmurs discreetly with his hands laid on his chest, 

"Sometimes I come up here when my thoughts get too fucking loud, here on the roof with the night reminds me that there is always a way out. It can be suffocating in my room sometimes, the dark gets replaced by memories and fears. If you think about it, its not the dark most people are afraid of. Its what the darkness holds that is terrifying. If I was lucky as a kid, my mom would check to see if I was sleeping. She wasn't always home. So yeah, sometimes she'd see I was scared and take my hand and we'd go up the stairs of the shitty apartment we lived at and look up at the stars on the rooftop of our building. Sometimes rooftops are the only places I ever feel safe at."His fingers tug gently at the delicate fabric of his mysterious blouse when he finishes his story, as if reassuring himself of something. I try to match his pitch but I end up failing to whisper fully as I reply after a moment or so of quiet, 

"Um, thank you."  

This isn't what Levi was expecting to hear, he shifts his head and looks at me with a slightly pinched brow. He gives up on whispering and just asks in blunt perplexion, 

"What are you thanking me for?" 

I turn and lay on my side, I pick at the mini rocks that make up the surface of the roof and meet his piercing blue stare. With my ear pressed against the roof, I can hear the song in his room below still play faintly. I smile with my heart and say, 

 

 

"Thank you for letting me see you." 

 

 

 

There is no moon in the sky. 

 But something else hangs over me now after the light blink of an eye,  

its him.  

His hair black and limitless, framing his pale troubled face, eyes glimmering with words I can't hear. 

 I'm pinned down, and he waits a single breath between us before our lips collide. 

My hands slowly reach up and thread through his hair, that is so soft.  

And I feel my whole body start to glimmer, and I feel a color I've never felt before. 

 

Everything goes star white.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. To Forget and To Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus, I'm so sorry for taking so long. This isn't the longest chapter, but I just wanted to publish something finally. I think I can write again, I've been under such a heavy fog, but I think I'm finding my words again. Anyways, thanks for reading. Really.

* * *

Our lips tell a story, and it must be fantasy because I've never known anything close to magic till now. The first kiss is urgent and deep, lingering as if making sure that this was real because nothing seems to be real anymore. The song "Afterglow" by CHVRCHES plays underneath us now, echoing through the rooftop. When we pull apart from the kiss he looks at me with a pained expression, I can't tell if it is regret or fear but I know sadness is there. I touch his pain with a caress across his cheek, and I wish I could take that pain from him, I wish I could take it all away, and I kiss him like I can. I lean up, circling my arms around his neck carefully, kissing him lightly again and again, and my heart seems to be trying to break out of my chest. He kisses me back, holding me tightly against him with his hands pulling at my shoulder blades, our kiss growing in power and need. The glimmer I feel grows more intense and I begin to glow, I think we both do, bursting with this light I can feel emanating out of my skin, our breaths going fast, our feelings reaching the explosion, and the memory of learning what a supernova is flashes into my thoughts.  

Levi's lips are succulent and addicting, our mouths closely colliding countless times, everything is going numb, and my mind fuzzy in this increasing warmth. My heart beats too fast now and I pull away from him and I just rest my chin on his shoulder. I think his CD ended because there is no more music playing except the rushed breaths I hear from Levi now, and I notice I'm almost sitting in his lap. My body pressed against his feels so right, my arms slip down so I can rest my hands against his chest, the taut muscle beneath reveals that I'm not the only one with an erupting heart. His hold sinks down to my waist and I press my nose slowly into his neck to breathe in his sweet smell. My lips ghost against his skin, I can feel him take a sharp inhale of air and tense.  

"Wow." I state dumbly, my mind is so bright I can hardly see anything or comprehend what is going on. Like when you're in a car and some incoming asshole drives past you on the other side of the street with their brights on. Wait no, more like the sci-fi movies when someone gets abducted by aliens or whatever and that brilliant beam of light has the human entranced as they float up and get taken away to a different dimension. Yeah. Jesus, I can't think clearly. 

"I really didn't want this to happen." Levi sighs in a tone heavy with guilt, a tone that has me pull away from the haven of his neck and stare at him face to face. His eyes struggle to hold my gaze, and I begin to question him. 

"Why not? I'm 18 Levi, I get that you're more mature than me and shit but don't act like I'm still a child." I try to pull away, I wish I didn't get offended so easily but its just my nature and since its him that said it – the words he said hit that much harder. His hold on my waist restrains me from turning away from him, he holds me close again and the embrace cools the reddening anxiety that had began to drum in my body. 

"Hey hey, I'm sorry, calm down alright? I just... I like you. I do. But this makes things complicated. Especially since... well... my sister will probably hate me. She'd want to kick my ass and then proceed to never talk to me again." His voice is smooth and when he says he likes me all the anxiety vanishes. I hold his face with both of my hands now and kiss him strongly, I'm more aggressive this time when we kiss so that when we pull apart I can tell Levi's mind is fuzzy too with his dazed expression. I somewhat angrily reply, 

"I like you too. I like you so much. So, don't say shit like that to me again, okay? We can figure something out. Besides she's my friend and I know she wants me to be happy. So... you be happy too." I let go of his face and then unhook myself from his lap, sitting next to him with my head on his shoulder. A chilly breeze goes by, and we both brace against it. Levi mutters, 

"She cares a lot more than you know, but you're right. We can figure something out. But not now, shit its probably pretty late at the moment. Let's go back to my room, tomorrow is Tuesday and you're not the only one who has to go to school." 

 I follow him back down into his room and Levi turns off his light, I stand beside his bed awkwardly as he slips under his covers. I hear him snort in the dark and he invites me, 

"You're kind of like a puppy, huh? Come on, you can sleep here tonight." I kind of pout at being compared to a dog at first but then ironically, if I had a tail, it would definitely be wagging at what he just proposed. I slip off my shoes and timidly lift open his blankets and I'm not sure how close to lay next to him so I keep a line of space between us. He turns onto his side and my eyes adjust to the darkness to see a small smirk rise on his lips. 

"Look, if you stay over tonight you have to leave early in the morning because we still don't know what to say to my sister. Also – you don’t have to sleep on the edge of the bed, weirdo. We just made out so..." I nod to agree about leaving in the morning, then give him a big smile as I scoot in until we are almost nose to nose. I caress his face gently, like I could scare him away, and he closes his eyes in quiet approval. My fingers thread through the black velvet of his hair, then drift down to his shoulder and my hand stops at the old white fabric of his mystery blouse.  

"This blouse..." I don't want to admit that I have seen him wear it through my window, even I know that’s a little creepy. I say something that is socially acceptable to inquire further, "Its not like anything else you wear..." I'm too nervous to look him in the eye, so I just let my hand go to his hand that rests besides his pillow and I trace his knuckles idly. I can hear his breaths stop, its completely silent in his room besides the wind that blows outside now. His jaw goes rigid, I can even feel his hand curl, and he finally takes a deep breath through his nose and out his mouth (which smells very minty.) He starts in a voice barely louder than a whisper, 

"Its my mother's. Its all I have left of her, besides a photograph." I try to keep myself from gasping from the surprise I feel, it seems so obvious now. The photo as well, that’s what he's been looking at before bed this whole time. I feel my heart clench, shame poisons me as I notice the difference between the loss we've endured. I've been trying my best to forget, he's been desperate to remember. I hope one day I gain enough trust to see that photo, but it seems inappropriate to ask to see when I've already asked about such a fragile subject. I don't say anything, so he briefly continues, 

"I never knew my father, but I never wanted to. He left us alone, he could be dead for all I know or care." I now watch his eyes as they carry their weight, I remain silent because the words begin to leak out of him more and more like they've been released from the tightest grip.  If I have the chance to carry any of the weight that burdens him, I'll wait as long as it takes. He continues warily and I have to really focus to hear his small voice, 

"But she... she was kind and soft. Whenever she had to leave to work, I'd hide in the closet. We had no money because she was estranged from our family, so it was common for thieves to break into the houses in our shit neighborhood. She didn't have many clothes, but I'd hide under her shirt and feel like she was there with me." The loneliness, the agony he is desperately keeping at bay with forced calm at the moment, makes it impossible for me to stop from reaching out to hold him. Our heads rest into each other's necks, his body relaxes into me, and I know it must have taken so much to open up that part of himself. I don't want him to feel alone anymore, I hold him and his memories in my arms, I hold the hurting child in his heart, I hold everything and keep him together. I add quietly, 

"If she's anything like you, she must have been amazing. I'm so sorry." He doesn't say anything else, he just hums in acknowledgement and we stay silent for a while. In time we shift a bit, we lay on our stomachs facing each other, his arm laid around my waist, and my hand resting on his neck. I think about what he said, I'm left with many questions, but I'm willing to wait for another time because I know just how horrible it is to remember. I think about the courage, the love he must have for his mother, how he can stand to keep reawakening the terrors of grief to keep her alive. Although I love my mom so very much, I can't stand to see photos, to be reminded, the scars left seem to unseal themselves into a gory unstitching and burst. Not to mention how long it takes to carefully pull myself together after remembering as well. Does this make me a bad person, if I want to forget? It’s a complex subject, because of course there are many random happenstances throughout the days, weeks, months, years, that she's been gone that remind me of her. But when the reminders rise like the worst of fevers I just suppress it all, I don't give the reminders a chance to uncover the memories. Its just been survival, because to remember the hurt all of the time – how could I take another step forward? When Levi clears his throat a little, as if to prepare to speak, it snaps me out of the trance of self-introspection. Levi whispers, but this time his tone has completely changed, 

"Don't think I'm going to take your training easy on you now, if anything your ass is gonna be working twice as hard from now on." I snicker at his light-hearted playful threat, and I reply, 

 

 

"I wouldn't have it any other way." 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

I had set my alarm to what seems like dawn last night. When the vibrating alarm went off under my pillow this morning and I opened my muddy eyes for a second to a blurry visage of Levi's sleeping face - I didn't process the situation at all and immediately turned off my alarm and resumed keeping my sore eyes closed. I almost thought I was still asleep, the amnesia of rest making me temporarily unaware of the life changing event that happened last night. But when I blink a couple times and my vision clears and I see him in peaceful slumber before me, I go into a state of shock and am completely awake. 

His hair is messy, his bangs point in a disarray of directions, a dew drop of drool is on the side of his somewhat ajar mouth, his face is released from the usual frowns he makes, I can't help but think his face looks egg white smooth, his eyelashes thin and dark like the smallest of butterfly wings, and he is so beautiful breathing is not an option. I just stare at him for I don't know how long, he's fast asleep, his snoring just a sweet purr, and I lean forward to kiss his forehead so gently my lips hardly touch his skin. I take a picture with my phone, making damn sure the flash is off and the shutter sound off. I look at him now and I understand why any artist paints, why any musician makes music, why any writer writes a poem. I'm not good at any form of art but all I want to do is celebrate the perfect beauty of him and this moment. I let my index finger tenderly stroke the side of his strong jaw. This is the person I adore, who I can kiss now (holy shit, I can do that.)  He momentarily stirs from the touch but then grumbles back into his deep rest. I get up and sneak out of his room, taking one last look back at his body's form under diaphanous white blankets, and I cannot help but think I've fallen for an angel.  

Its so early that not even my father is awake. I tip toe into my room, thinking about how I should apologize to my dad today. Happiness has a way of making things so clear. What had before been unrecognizable in a storm of dark feelings suddenly opens up into something so simple, so freeing and bright, like when you look at a blank sheet of paper and only have possibilities. I feel so free, like I can do anything, I don't think I've stopped smiling ever since I saw Levi's sweet face. Can mornings feel like this? Mornings have always strained me, you open your eyes and you see nothing then everything all at once. I know that there are an infinite amount of chances for the day to go well, but its still such a human responsibility to live out your aspirations. But things have changed. I have so much to look forward to now and maybe the future isn't as scary as it seemed. The future could be a safe place if I know this special person will be by my side. I don't think I'm making much sense, I've barely slept at all and I honestly feel like I'm floating place to place. Its a while until I notice I'm fully dressed and ready for school as I stare in a haze at my now empty bowl of cereal.  

My dad's footsteps rumble above me, then he makes his way down the stairs, and he pauses for a surprised moment when he sees me wide awake and ready at this time of day. His voice is a little crispy from the leftovers of sleep, 

"Good morning, Ah um not used to you being here when I make coffee." I give him a guilty smile, when he turns to activate the coffee machine I start to think of what to say to apologize and tap my nails on the table. Soon the warm comforting aroma of coffee fills the kitchen and I say, 

"I'm sorry about yesterday. Sometimes I feel so much that I feel like all I can do is break. My words, my fists, everything crumbles to how much I'm feeling. Its too much. Um, you don't deserve that is what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry, thank you for even trying to console me. I know I'm a lot to put up with. But I uh, appreciate it, everything that you do... Oh, but things are better now so you don't have to worry anymore or anything..." God, I'm so bad with saying sorry. My dad turns around with wide eyes that start to soften and he gives me a grin as he sits down with a brown mug of steaming coffee. He takes a sip and really thinks about what I've just said, its weird having him paying attention to me like this and not just thinking about the many doctorly duties he has to do throughout the day.  He replies in a reassuring manner, 

"Eren... You don't have to ever worry about being too much. That’s my responsibility as a parent for making sure that you don't ever feel broken or that you could ever break me. I know I'm very busy, I'm sorry if I'm not even very present when I am at home, but you'll never stop being the most important thing in my life. Please talk to me if you need to talk, I'm going to try to be more available now okay? I thought a lot about this last night." Honestly, my dad and I haven't talked like this in – I don't even know how long. Its like we've been in a spell ever since Mom died. We are both desperately focused on forgetting. I kind of want to cry but that would be sort of embarrassing, so I just give him a big smile and laugh and mutter, 

"Okay... thanks dad." We just talk about my training and his appointments and even though we are in a really good place right now, I'm not going to bring up the new development between Levi and I. I don't want any possibility of this perfect morning disrupted. My dad and I haven't ever talked about my love life or lack thereof, I mean I only got any sex education from an extremely awkward P.E. class freshman year. I think it might be a little much to not only say I just kissed a guy but that I kissed The Levi Ackerman when my dad and I are both still not completely awake. 

I hear Armin give a soft honk of his car and I say bye to my dad and run outside. God it sucks holding in such a fucking gigantic secret like this, especially considering just thinking about Levi now makes me a smiling mess. I hop into the back seat and Mikasa turns off the radio from shotgun, then turns around and stares at me for a very fucking long minute. My glee starts to sizzle into ashes, my pulse quickening as her eyes narrow darkly at me. Armin seems confused but he knows enough that he shouldn't say a word in this tension. Mikasa holds out an object to me, I look down completely puzzled, and I realize its my fucking cellphone. She asks slowly, 

 

 

"Why was your phone in my brother's bed?" 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will have a very realistic and nostalgic feel to it. Thank you for reading, look forward to more updates~ Lemme know what you think
> 
> You can contact me at my tumblr l-e-v-i-ackerman. I track my username's tag and will track "fic: neighbors"


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